London has long been one of the top destinations for LGBTQ travelers, with a vibrant nightlife scene catering to all within the community. While LGBTQ bars and clubs have dotted the city for decades, certain establishments have risen to fame for their historic importance, lively atmospheres, and cult followings. This article will explore some of the most iconic gay bars in London and what makes each a landmark in its own right.
One of the most well-known gay bars in London is Friendly Society, located in Soho. Open since the 1970s, Friendly Society gained notoriety as one of the first openly gay bars in the UK after homosexuality was decriminalized in 1967. With its dimly lit interiors, mixed clientele of men and women, and classic rock soundtrack, Friendly Society maintains an intimate atmosphere that still draws long-time regulars as well as newcomers curious about LGBTQ history. The burgundy walls are lined with photos chronicling the bar's evolution alongside major milestones in the fight for equality. Drinks are affordable and the crowds are lively most nights, cementing Friendly Society's role as a stalwart LGBTQ gathering place in the heart of the city.
Just down the street from Friendly Society is the Toucan, another venerable Soho gay bar. First opened in the 1990s, the Toucan quickly became known for its Latin dance parties and exotic decor inspired by tropical destinations like Rio de Janeiro and Havana. Bright murals of jungle leaves and tropical birds bring a sunny ambiance to the compact interior, which transforms into a sweaty dancefloor most weekend nights thanks to a roster of resident DJs playing salsa, merengue, and bachata. International travelers flock to the Toucan to meet others and let loose to upbeat Latin rhythms in a joyful space that remains one of London's top spots for Latin LGBTQ nightlife.
Venturing east towards Shoreditch, two more iconic gay bars hold court - Joiners Arms and George & Dragon. Joiners Arms has operated as a relaxed local gay pub since the 1980s, when much of the surrounding area was still industrial rather than trendy. With its no-frills pub decor, friendly regular clientele, and lack of pretense, Joiners Arms maintains an “everyman” charm that appeals to all mannerisms, identities, and styles within the LGBTQ community. Meanwhile, just around the corner, George & Dragon has been a stalwart of London’s leather and bear scenes since the 1990s. Low lighting, leather furnishings, and a crowd comprised largely of subtly stylish older men give George & Dragon a discreet allure that has made it popular for low-key socializing and dating within a subset demographic. Both Joiners Arms and George & Dragon exemplify the no-nonsense East End spirit while serving niche portions of London’s diverse LGBTQ population.
Venturing to Vauxhall brings visitors to two of London's largest and most popular gay bars/clubs - Eagle London and Fire. Eagle London has dominated Vauxhall’s skyline since the 1960s, with its sleek granite and steel exterior and rooftop garden commanding views of the Thames. Inside, a warren of rooms spread across three floors include areas for socializing, drinking and dancing to house and techno mixes. Eagle maintains its reputation as one of Europe's hottest playgrounds for cruising and hookups thanks to dim lighting, discreet alcoves, and an anything-goes libertine vibe on busy weekends. Nearby, Fire provides a younger, slightly more mainstream alternative on Friday and Saturday nights. Over two floors, dancers pack the main room to throbbing EDM beats while balconies afford views of the heaving crowds below. Both Eagle and Fire draw thousands for raucous, no-holds-barred fun, cementing Vauxhall's status as one of London’s most vibrant LGBTQ nightlife districts.
For a more refined setting, Old Compton Street staple The Shadow Lounge has been a favorite date spot and pre-club cocktail lounge since opening in the 1990s. Classic cocktails expertly mixed by skilled barmen are sipped among leather banquettes and moody lighting in a decor inspired by old school NYC gay bars. Upstairs, a second level provides cozy nooks for socializing along with scenic views of bustling Old Compton Street below. Recognizable celebrity faces are often spotted amidst the mixed crowd of trendy creatives and professionals relaxing to a smooth house soundtrack. Few spots capture London’s LGBTQ charm and sophistication better than candlelit evenings at The Shadow Lounge.
This article has provided an overview of some of London's most legendary gay bars, from historically notable pubs like Friendly Society to major clubbing destinations like Eagle London. Each has played an important role in developing the city's reputation as one of the world's top LGBTQ destinations. With a diverse mix of subcultures, identities and tastes well served across neighborhoods, London's gay bars continue to provide treasured community spaces as well as memorable nights out. For visitors and locals alike, experiencing these iconic venues helps one understand what has made the city's LGBTQ culture and heritage so rich.
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So, I [F24] have been single for about a year now. I was in 2 relationships my entire life (to which it took a lot of convincing to even get there at that point!). I met those guys through school.
Now I'm at a point where I'm not even in school and there's nowhere to meet anyone to date. My only option is online dating. Now, I've been sheltered pretty much my entire life. I don't have any friends. I don't go anywhere besides the gym or store, but I don't stay there for long. My parents know this.
When I have attempted to online date and lied to them saying I went out with a friend earlier this year, they FREAKED out with me and accused me of meeting strange people and called me disrespectful and stuff for doing so. I couldn't simply lie to say I was meeting up.
I don't know what to do... I feel lonely. I want to date and meet new people, but I'm trapped. I know I'm an adult but it doesn't feel like that sometimes. I can't be honest with them about online dating because they will freak out and cause a scene.

Gay and bisexual dating websites have become increasingly popular options for LGBTQ individuals seeking romantic connections with others who share their sexual orientation. With discrimination and lack of acceptance still prevalent in many societies, online dating provides a safe space for gay, bi and queer folks to meet potential partners privately without fear of stigma or intolerance. While apps like Grindr revolutionized location-based hookups, many dating sites cater specifically to those looking for meaningful long-term relationships rather than just casual encounters. This article will explore some of the most well-known and widely used gay and bi dating platforms, examining their features, pricing structures and the types of users they attract.
Major Gay Dating Websites
OkCupid
One of the largest and oldest mainstream dating sites, OkCupid has catered to the LGBTQ community for over a decade. With millions of users worldwide, it is arguably the most popular and inclusive option available for singles of all sexual orientations and gender identities to connect. Members create detailed profiles answering hundreds of multiple choice questions on interests, values and relationship preferences to facilitate compatible matches. The site is free to use basic features but offers premium subscriptions for $9.95/month or $24.95/3 months that unlock advanced searching and filtering tools. OkCupid attracts a diverse mix of urban professionals, artists, students and others ranging in age from 18-60+ seeking both casual dates and long term partnerships.
Scruff
Targeted specifically at gay and bi men into men, Scruff has emerged as a top competitor to Grindr since its launch in 2010. With over 15 million members globally, it allows users to search for others nearby or around the world based on shared interests like hiking, video games, traveling and more. Profiles include photos, physical stats and lifestyle info. While hookups happen, many Scruff daters are more relationship-focused than other apps. The free version lets you browse, message and chat. Paid subscriptions at $9.99/month or $79.99/year unlock additional perks like incognito browsing and read receipts. The diverse community of 'scruffies' spans all ages but skews a bit older on average than Grindr.
Match
One of the largest and most established dating giants, Match has catered to same-sex connections since the late 90s. Profiles require bio details, preferences are more extensive, and messaging requires mutual matches first. This intentional screening aims to reduce unwanted contact from those not interested in any particular user. Match uses sophisticated algorithm matching technology to suggest potential partners for paid subscribers based on compatibility factors from mutual questions answered during signup. Plans start at $19.99/month or $9.99/month when paid annually, which provide access to messaging, chat and profile boosting features beyond basic browsing. Match members skew older in general - 30+ seems to be the average age range.
Gaydar
Operating since 1999, Gaydar is a veteran LGBTQ site primarily serving the UK, Continental Europe, Canada, Australia and New Zealand. With millions of monthly visitors, it functions similarly to Grindr by showing profiles of other online users near your location in real-time. Free registration allows basic messaging and exploring members' profile photos and stats. Paid memberships unlock unlimited chat features, compatibility matching and discrete browsing modes. Gaydar caters mostly to the 18-40 crowd seeking both hookups and dates in major international metro centers and smaller towns. Overall, the diverse community welcomes guys from all sexual interests and backgrounds.
Bisexual & Pansexual Sites
BiCupid
Launched in 2006, BiCupid has emerged as the top international destination for bi, pan and fluidly identified singles interested in forming same-gender and opposite-gender connections alike. Profiles require bio information plus preferences regarding gender and relationship orientation to help better match members. Free browsing and messaging allow communicating with matches. Paid subscriptions provide additional tools like chat, anonymity options and profile boosting. With over 1.5 million members globally, the inclusive community welcomes people of all backgrounds open to multi-gender relationships. Most seem to range from 20s through 40s.
PanDate
Specializing solely in catering to the pansexual dating audience, PanDate launched in 2013 to give this identity a dedicated safe space online. Free registration allows members to create profiles showcasing interests and preferences, view matches near them and send direct messages. Premium subscriptions at $29.99 for 3 months provide additional perks like chat features, profile boosting and filtering options. With thousands of members, especially in large international cities, PanDate aims to connect anyone attracted to people regardless of gender or sex through open-minded engagement. Most users seem to be in their 20s or 30s.
BiCupid & PanDate share similarities as niche sites welcoming people exploring fluid attractions beyond strict definitions. Both sites primarily serve North America, Europe, Australia and Asia with smaller global reach than their multi-orientation competitors. However, they provide targeted safe spaces for specific communities to find understanding partners for intimate connections or committed relationships open to exploring multiple genders.
Specialized Niche Sites
SilverDaddies
Catering solely to older gay and bi men into younger partners, SilverDaddies launched in 2000 as one of the earliest gay dating sites with a specific age niche. Completely free registration allows basic account setup and browsing other members' profiles including location, interests and body type photos near your area. Most members are 40+ seeking companionship with significantly younger guys in their teens, 20s or 30s. The site has a classic desktop aesthetic and caters mainly to North American users but maintains a substantial global reach of millions of active members each month from over 185 countries according to site statistics.
Gay Christian Mingle
As the only major online dating service for LGBTQ individuals of faith, Gay Christian Mingle launched in 2005 aiming to connect like-minded guys respectful of religious values. Free registration provides profile setup, browsing matches and communication options limited to private messaging. Premium memberships at $29.99/3 months upgrade to more features including chat, compatibility matching and discreet mode options. With thousands of members globally, the site cultivates an atmosphere of acceptance for those integrating sexuality with spirituality seeking equally devoted partners for both intimate and emotional connections. Most members seem to range from 20s through 50s.
BrownBear
Launched in 2021, BrownBear emerged as a welcomed alternative catering specifically to gay and bisexual men of color around the world. Completely free registration provides profile setup, location-based browsing of other users and direct messaging capabilities. Premium subscriptions offer additional communication tools like chat and increased search criteria flexibility. Still establishing itself, BrownBear fills an important niche by providing a dedicated safe space where non-white identifying men can explore connections respected for ethnic and cultural perspectives often marginalized in mainstream dating platforms. Most of the engaged and growing community seems to be under 40 currently.
These specialized niche sites highlight various communities carved out as alternatives catering to more specific demographics. Whether focused on ethnicity, religion, generations or kinks - they demonstrate the diversity within the broader LGBTQ dating landscape and importance of inclusion regardless of other identities. As acceptance continues growing, specialized options will flourish connecting people respectful of each other’s multifaceted lived experiences.
As attitudes shift in an increasingly globalized world with greater recognition of diversity in human sexuality and relationships, online dating has empowered marginalized communities to seek fulfilling partnerships on their own terms. The options explored here represent just a sampling of platforms welcoming to the LGBTQ dating audience. New sites targeting additional niches will continue emerging to cater to identities not always fully embraced elsewhere. Overall choice, visibility and customized safe spaces online have revolutionized how individuals across genders and orientations worldwide form meaningful relationships regardless of outdated social restrictions. As inclusion further progresses, technology will keep empowering marginalized communities to find understanding companions respectful of their complex intersectional selves.
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A year ago I made a post that looked at my history of sugaring using data and stats - https://www.reddit.com/sugarlifestyleforum/comments/s5zyog/quick_maths_stats_census_and_ocd_analysis_of_my/
Originally looking at 8.5 years of sugaring, my study now looks at 10 years+ of sugar dates. I put all the sugaring into one big spreadsheet, crunched the numbers and ran some analysis.
I calculated the inflation-adjusted amounts and conducted a cost/benefit analysis. I post this because SDs (and SBs) may find it interesting or useful to self-reflect on their own dating history.
Note: If anyone would like the spreadsheet with the raw data, it can be found here - https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1V83W59FCWY6S_M8vuSd5aC9GORpXjrVy0YTVhcD953E/edit?usp=sharing
To understand my analysis you must first understand my goals:

1. Sugar Relations. My (SD aged 40) primary driver is a sugar relationship with a SB (21 to 45). Who I can give allowance while while we have fun together and she makes my life more interesting/relaxing. My goal has never been to make them last more than a year, sometimes it just happens. In my data I found about 1 out of 3 POT dates (potentials and 1st meets) turned into short term SBs (lasting less than one year), 1 out of every 23 POT dates turned into long-term/multi-year SBs (lasting a year or more). This is down from the previous study that found 1 out of 21 POT dates turned into long terms.
2. Intimacy. My cost/benefit analysis showed that 2.64 dates was the avg before intimacy. Of the 158 SBs, I was not intimate with 34 at all. For the rest, 1 out of 4, by the second date (on that date or the one immediately after), intimacy had begun.

Definitions:
A POT or, 'rando' as I call them, are people who I met at least once off Seeking. I don't count all the ones I matched with and didn't meet or who never showed up.
A Rinser is someone I tried to meet or met but they either flaked, were scamming, or ghosted after date #1 while trying to get as much money out of the exchange as possible. I've learned how weed out rinsers 100% online before we even plan to meet. The result illustrate this as I no longer have any in my pipeline.
A SB (sugar baby, or POT SB/potential sugar baby) is someone who shows up to a date and who is serious about sugar dating and serious about mutual benefit. Out of 474 POTS, 158 progressed to SBs (3:1 ratio).
A Long-Term SB is someone who I've offered an allowance or gifts or other things for more than 1 year.
A Girlfriend is someone who doesn't need an allowance, with whom mutual feelings develop, and both parties just wants to date. If they were previously my SB, they no longer want an allowance, or gifts, or travel; that's just all part of dating me.
A Vanilla is a regular girl with regular expectations. She usually doesn't even know about sugaring (if she does, she tends to look down on it).
Gouda are a hypothetical currency pegged 1:1 to the USD (I hope the mods don't delete the post. This is historic and self-reflective, not about anything else. I tried to respect the rules.)
​

Statistics from my SB Dating History (vanilla/non-SB dating is excluded):

There were a total of 474 POTs/randos and 158 SBs over 10 years
I had 3 out of 158 (1.89%) convert from sugar to real multi-year relationships where we have either been headed towards engagement or something else long term.
Time Spent Sugaring = 10 Years
Avg. no of POTs per year = 47 (meet and greets/first dates)
Avg. no of SBs per year = 15.8
This breaks down to about 4 a quarter. However, unless I get into an exclusive SB relationship (rare) I keep them on a rotation. I'm usually dating around 6 SBs at any given time.
This improves my options of finding girls that I like and want to explore something more serious with. I find it's the women are the ones who are flaky, flighty and unserious about relationships so there's no reason to rely on any of them to uphold their end beyond a few dates. So the outcome I'm optimizing for is to get to the ones that will commit to a longer term situation.
Total Amount Spent on SBs (Date + Sugar) = 517.4K goudas (avg 43.4K gouda per year), 512.2K (adjusted for inflation)
Total Amount Spent on SB Dates = 83.3K goudas (to get to know a new person), 8.3K gouda annually
Total Amount Spent on POT Dates = 189.6K goudas / 223.7K (inflation adj)
Avg. Amount Spent per SB (Date + Sugar) = 2.6K goudas / 3.1K (inflation adj)
Avg. Sugar Per Date (not counting date itself)* = 2.7K goudas / 3.2K (inflation adj)
* Note: While the average amount spent on sugar (not including the date itself) was 2.7K gouda (per date) this doesn't reflect what any SB should necessarily expect. The 'average' includes the times I spent more for certain situations or certain people, outliers. For instance, a girl who 'I had to have' and was eventually convinced by a huge sum of money. To adjust for that, we need use the median instead of the average. The median was 1.5K gouda (same as a few years ago). Considering inflation and the NPV (net present value) of money, even though the number stayed the same, it should have actually gone up. This means sugaring in 2023 is cheaper than it was 10 years ago.
Avg. Date Spend (not counting Sugar) = 527 gouda / 622 (inflation adj)
Median Date Spend (not counting Sugar) = 400 gouda / 472 (inflation adj)
No of Sugar Dates = 417 (avg 41.7 per year)
No of POT Dates = 1,250 (125 per year) Even though the goal here is to screen out non viable SBs, I consider these fun dates and treat the ladies to a good time. I've only been catfished 2 or 3 times where the girls is obese (but her pictures weren't) and one time where there was a trans trying to pass as a cis woman. If nothing else, it makes for great stories!
Avg. no of Dates, Per SB before Intimacy = 2.3 (this is down from 2.4 two yeas ago which suggests I'm slightly better at getting dates into the bedroom, or perhaps I'm a little more attractive than I used to be ;-)
Ratio of Scammers/Rinsers/Flakes to genuine SBs = 6:1 (1 out 6 was a rinser or scammer). This is down from 7 two years ago which suggests I'm either getting better at screening or there are less scammers, flakes, and rinsers on the site. In other words, quality of sugaring has gone up slightly over the past two years.
Number of Intimate Encounters with SBs = 363; this doesn't include all the intimacy we had together overall. After 10 times each I stop counting. What I measured here is essentially the number of times we were intimate within the first few dates, if at all.
Date to Intimacy Ratio: 1 out of every 6 SB dates led to intimacy. This is down from 1:3 a few years ago. Two things are happening here. I'm spending more time with SBs, even when we're not intimate, and I'm entertaining more girls who don't want that right away (I may hold back the sugar but still pay for the date/drinks/dinner).
My est. personal income over 8 years (net) = 5 million gouda (not including overall net worth)
Income to Sugar ratio = 17:1 ( I spent 17.1% of my annual income on sugar dating. A lot less than losing half my income plus half my net worth to a divorce, or spending a lot of money to impress regular girls on vanilla dates.)
Most experts suggest that at least 30% of your income should be discretionary. So I use about 2/3rds of my discretionary income for sugaring, and still have 1/3 left to do whatever I want. Further, I've got a lot of investments, so at times parts of my net worth becomes liquid which means I'm rarely using my income at all.
This has gone up from the last study but I'm also dating more. I no longer do much vanilla dating because it takes longer, more games are played by the women, and I prefer not to date women my own age (more baggage, bitterness, and demands).
Most of my recreational activity is with SBs or POTs anyway, so I've basically shifted more of my life into this lifestyle.
Countries Sugared in = 7
US Cities Sugared In = 11
Online-only Sugar = 1
Online-only is highly unlikely for me. But in this case I dropped around 400 gouda on a model well known in her industry that I met on Seeking. I don't think she knew I recognized her from her profile and played dumb when we started chatting. She wouldn't do in-person but was okay to send me a bunch of videos of her playing with toys and doing other things to herself. I've only done this once in 10 years.
​

Other Interesting Data:

Rinsers/Scammers/Thieves = 5
SBs that lasted more than 1 year = 7 (up from 5 so over the past two years I've added 2 girls who I then dated for most of that time, off and on)
Regular SB to Long Term SB Ratio = 23:1 (1 in 23 chance for me to go long term with an SB). This is up from 20, which means I'm a little more selective and lasting longer with the ones that do go long term.
Number of SBs my age (42) or older = 2 (average age was 26)
(Legit) Models = 6 (might recognize her from a magazine or runway)
(Legit) Actresses = 3 (might recognize her from a TV show or movie)
(Non-Legit) Influencers = 2 (instagram-baddie types, not fun to date and are often scammers/rinser-ish)
Number of SBs who I dropped 5K+ goudas on = 22 (way up from 8 previously. So I'm spoiling girls more as I earn more)
Number of SBs who I dropped 10K+ goudas on = 9
Number of SBs who I dropped 50K+ goudas on = 4 (I don't count most of this in the number spent sugaring. For 2 they became actual girlfriends (no sugar needed) and for 2 the biggest expense was on travel/vacations, gifts, shopping etc.)
Number of SBs who asked me to get their 'chest' done = 1 (narrator: "I didn't")
Number of SBs who asked me to buy them a car = 1 (narrator: "I said I would last time but ended up not doing so because we broke up before I could.")
Number of SBs who didn't ask for money/just wanted to date a man of a different class/success level: 4
Number of pregnancy scares = 1
Number of Intimate Encounters with more than two at a time (a.k.a 3sms) = 14 (I had a few more 3sums including a few SBs who involved their friends and roommates for multiple dates)
Number of STDs = 0; I usually use condoms until both I and the girl have been tested
​

My Sugar Census Data:

Black/African-American/African SBs Dated = 68 (1 was African, the rest were African-American)
Caucasian/White SBs Dated = 8 (non-Latin)
Mixed Race/Biracial SBs Dated = 57 (mostly mixed black+white; but one or two other interesting combos in there like mexican+black or white+asian)
Asian SBs Dated = 6 (mostly Koreans and Filipinas)
Latin SBs Dated = 12 (includes Caucasian, black and mixed Latinas)
Indian SB Dated = 4 (yes, technically I know they are also Asian but I broke them out)
Other SBs Dated = 3 (like Kazakhstani or Albanian)
Single Moms = 11 or 7%
Most Active Year SDing = 2023 with 55 SBs
​

Highlights:

Most Sugared Regions: (1) South East (places like Nashville, Atlanta, Miami, Nola etc.); (2) North East (places like New York, New Jersey, Philly, Pittsburg etc.); (3) West Coast (places like San Diego, LA, San Fran etc.); (4) Western Europe (UK, Germany etc.); (5) Caribbean (places like Dominican Republic, Jamaica etc.)
Most Common Careers: (#1) 10.1% Student/College; (#2) 7.6% were Professional Actresses and Models (tied at 3.8% each); (#3) 6.4% were Flight Attendants or in Tech (tied at 3.2% each); (#4) 10% were Strippers, in the Financial Sector, Entrepreneurs, or Musicians/Singers (tied at 2.5%) ; (#5) 1.9% were bartenders
What I make of #3 is that women in highly volatile careers are looking to supplement their income with sugar. While the Financial sector seems like it wouldn't be, by definition it's tied to the markets and the past few years have not been great for the markets. The rest are more obvious.
What the profession mix tells me is that regardless of education-level, class, or accomplishment, some women will want to sugar no matter what. Contrary to what they might say, these women are opting in to objectification and to monetize their bodies.
​

My Sugar Vanity Index:

This index is entirely based on my personal, subjective standards. If you disagree with my comps, that makes sense, your preferences and rankings are different. Also, I clearly have a thing for biracial and black (dark or fair skinned) women. I'm black myself so it's not a fetish. The fetish for me is Indian and Asian women.
10s (dimes) = 13 (comps: Meghan Markle, Lisa Bonet, Halle Berry, Paula Patton)
9s (baddies) = 15 (comps: Gal Gadot, Jennifer Lopez, Rihanna, Blake Lively)
8s (damn fine) = 25 (comps: Beyonce, Kelly Rowland post-2005, Eva Mendes, Rashida Jones, Jessica Biel)
7s (hottie) = 45 (comps: Doja Cat, Zendaya, Kim K.)
6s (cuties) = 43 (comps: Gabrielle Union, Solange, Drew Barrymore)
5s or less ("nothing better to dos") = 14 (comps: Tiffany Haddish, Mindy Kaling)
4s or less ("oh god, what have I done") = 3 (comps: Greta Thunberg)

Type breakdown: 28.5% were hotties (7s); 27.2% were cuties (6s); 15.8% were damn fine (8s); 9.5% were baddies (9s), and 8.2% were dimes (10s)
This means even when paying I am more likely to give moderately attractive (7s and 6s) my time more than the very attractive (8s, 9s and 10s). Alternatively, it could mean I can't even buy time with the very attractive, lol. Or it can just mean they are rarer. Or it could mean all of the above.
Average rating of SBs dated = 7
Average rating of SBs dated Multi-Year = 9 (in other words, the more attractive they were the more likely I was to date them for years)
Average rating of SBs transitioned into Real Relationships = 9.5 (see above)
The above is outward appearance only. Doesn't factor education or whatever else they might have had going on (creativity, intellect, personality) because all that is secondary to why I'd even date someone in the first place. My priorities before any of that: how attractive she is (what I have to look at), how she makes me feel, and how supportive/attentive she is (emotionally).
There are no fat, overweight, or obese women in my SB list but a few were on the POT list. I'm not into that, so it's a bias but it does mean I've gone on dates with a few so I don't discriminate (much)!
​

Cost/Benefit Comparison to My Life Before Sugar and Vanilla Dating

78% of the women I sugared (regardless of number of dates) ended up being intimate with me and about 26% of POTs. So if I went on a date at all I had a 1 in 4 chance of getting laid. I would rate myself looks wise a 5 but when you factor in wealth/poweinfluence for the region I live in I'd say I'm an 8 or 9 (a catch).
What has sugaring changed for me? When I was regular dating, I met A LOT less women. I'm not shy, but I'm not the kind of guy who knows how to 'approach' women either. I don't like 'clubs' and approaching women randomly (grocery store, mall, bars etc.) can lead to a landmine of negative reactions or accusations. So I just didn't.
At best I'd match with maybe 2 or 3 girls per year on apps (maybe one purely organically) and date them for a couple of months.
The girls I got then were great and attractive. I'd say organically I have always been able pull slightly above average girls (6s to 8s) no problem, but 10s? Not then. Admittedly, I was less wealthy back then so might be easier now, even Vanilla.
The cost of dating/traveling/gifts would be the same in Vanilla. However I'd guess the time to intimacy was twice as long, not guaranteed, and way less interesting (because many girls want to be viewed as more modest...until they don't)
No of Dates to intimacy with the average SB = 2.6 dates; avg. expense of = 1.2K gouda (basically the cost of the dates and or sugar needed to get laid)
This number is useful because before I would consider hiring a 'professional' I usually remember it's more interesting, cheaper, and safer to date a POT who might become an SB. While I don't get the instant gratification of intimacy, if I can wait two to three dates I'll usually get the delayed gratification of intimacy.
No of Dates to intimacy with the average Vanilla = 5 dates = 2.4K gouda
The above basically confirms that I'm saving money and getting to intimacy faster with sugar dating (and with much hotter girls). At 527 gouda per date, I'm saving 1.3K gouda per partner over vanilla dating and getting a more controlled outcome (intimacy). That extra money saved 'proving myself' to a vanilla woman goes into showing my SBs a better time (with spoiling, vacations, and nice dinners).
Using this c/b analysis I realize that sugaring is actually only about 800 gouda more per date than regular dating with none of the demands, expectations, criticisms and pressure to get what a woman wants (usually marriage or a monogamous relationship) that comes from the vanillas.
Yes, I am spending more in the long run (because I'm dating more). But I don't have to put in as much effort to date who I want, when I want, and where I want. Also, there's a 1 in 3 chance every date I go on will lead to intimacy (usually by the second date).
Is it worth the 800 extra per date to have fun with the most beautiful women across the planet who would have turned me down hard if I ever approached them out and about? Absolutely!
Avg. No of First Dates with POTs p/yr = 47
Avg. No of First Dates with girls who became SBs p/yr = 15.8
​

Weighted Averages to Account for Recency (2017-2023)

Another adjustment needs to be made though. The bulk of my sugaring began in 2017, vs the years before. So actually the average numbers before 2017 need to be weighted and go down by 30% while the numbers after should go up by 70%.
Avg. Date Spend (not counting Sugar, weighted) = 896 gouda / 1,058 (inflation adj)
Avg. Date Spend (with Sugar, weighted) = 4,671 gouda / 5,511 (inflation adj)
Combined Avg. Amount Spent per Date p/y (POTs + SBs; Date + Sugar) = 6,416 gouda / 7,570 (inflation adj)
Avg. No of Annual First Dates p/y with POTs (weighted) = 64/yr
Avg. No of Annual First Dates p/y with SBs (weighted) = 21/yr
​

Intimacy Married vs. Sugaring

Previously, I was married but it led to a dead bedroom. My wife and I had our intimate times maybe three days a month or 36 times per year (and that's being generous).
Now, sugaring, I'm guessing at least 200 times per year and of that, an average of 20 new girls a year.
5 times as much with 20 times the women has made me much happier and more satisfied with life. There's less risk to my fortune and less risk to my emotional well being. My ex-wife was not good for either.
Admittedly, I've also gotten a lot better in the bedroom. Even compared with my first few years of sugar dating, I make women orgasm more now vs then. I estimate at least 1 out 4 times now the girl orgasms (before it was almost never). I now last longer and am most confident in the bedroom. Perhaps my ex-wife should have stuck around for these improvements!
​

Solving for Behavior:

After some self-reflection I realized that another reason I like the sugar dating culture is because it allows me to solve for bad/undesirable dating habits of women in the vanilla dating pool. I know men also have bad habits and I certainly do but we're talking about women.
For example, above I stated that a lot of women are flighty, flaky and unreliable when it comes to setting dates or keeping their word. However, those that sugar date (in my experience) are more likely to show up and just do whatever they've agreed to. There's less guesswork and less catering to impulsive whims.
Also, when A/B testing with vanilla dating, I found that regular vanilla women often have bad attitudes. They can be dismissive, demanding, rude, impulsive and obnoxious. Something as simple as setting a date, I notice some will voice annoyance at the selection of restaurants or ask to make changes last minute. This is inconsiderate and entitled behavior. If women want men (me) to pursue them, it would make sense to be more pleasant and agreeable.
With sugar dating, this kind of attitude is almost non-existent. Sugar is essentially a carrot that women who sugar are willing to change their behavior for. I know if I want certain outcomes I have to be a gentleman, I have to be generous (with sugar and time), and I have to be patient. They know if they want the sugar to keep flowing, they can't shit-test me at every turn.
This may be survivor bias, though. When I do see this bitchy kind of behavior rearing up in texts before a date, I'll just block the lady without explanation and move on (no point arguing with a stranger). If it rears its head on the date I'll politely end it, excuse myself and go back on the search.
Also, in the vanilla world people seem to ghost more and communicate their actual desires/needs/ wants less.
In general, I find that SBs naturally become more submissive and agreeable and for me that equates to desirable feminine energy. I do not want to date a boss-chick, a confrontational woman, or an inconsiderate one no matter how attractive they are.
This observation, that sugaring reinforces gender roles and positive behavior, took me a while to realize but a few weeks of dabbling in Tinder and Bumble made that abundantly clear!
​

Conclusions

• Sugaring has allowed me to spend less to get more of the outcomes I want. These intimate relationships with women that were previously unattainable (to me) is worth spending more (vs. doing all the other dumb, flashy, things regular guy often do to get women).
• Sugaring has greatly improved my confidence and emotional health. Not because I care at all whether an SB likes me for my money or not ( I don't care). Its more confidence from knowing how to get what I want (fun, attractive mates, and intimacy). I'll take care of myself and whoever's by my side. Most of the men I know are pretty envious and confused 'by the women I pull'. This makes them respect me more and I've benefitted from this in the form of new business deals and opportunity.
• Most importantly, sugaring has led to a couple of beautiful long term relationships where I've considered proposing to the SBs.
• If anyone is curious as to how the data were collected, since I started dating I have always kept photos and videos of all the SBs I meet in a secure app. Each SB gets their own album with either their real name or fake name (if I never got the real). There I keep all photos and videos of us together or anything they send me. If I never move past the first date with, I usually just delete them unless I had a particular attraction to them. This means the number of POTs is an estimate while the number of SBs is the actual number of albums I have (if it goes to date two I keep everything in their respective folder). For how much sugar for the SB, I just went off memory knowing my standards. For how much is spent per date, I used receipts from the past couple of weeks that I still have. As meticulous as I am, I may have forgotten about one or two girls from the early years of SDing.
• This data is based on dates mostly obtained from Seeking.com (95%) but also from SecretBenefits.com, WhatsYourPrice.com and regular cold approach (rare).

Bristol is a thriving city in the South West of England known for its creative culture and friendly, inclusive atmosphere. It has one of the largest and most vibrant LGBTQ+ communities in the UK, making it a great place for gay dating.
There are a number of gay bars and nightclubs scattered throughout Bristol that are popular places to meet other singles. Two of the longest-running and largest gay bars are The Gossip and The Firehouse, located close to each other in South Bristol. They hold various themed nights that draw big crowds, like weekly pop music nights and drag shows. Other notable bars include The Observatory near the Centre and The Old Market Assembly in East Bristol.
For a more relaxed environment, cafes like The Canteen in Barton Hill and The Milk Thistle in St Pauls are good daytime spots to sit and chat over coffee or food. Café Kino near Whiteladies Road shows LGBTQ+ films and has a laidback vibe. Club events organized by SWGBL, Bristol’s LGBT Network, are also friendly places to socialize.
There is no shortage of gay social groups and sports teams to meet new people. Groups like Bristol Queer Social, Queer Sports Bristol and the Bristol Gay Community Choir provide a supportive environment for making friends with shared interests. Events organized by the student-run Q Society at the University of Bristol are also welcoming of non-students.
Bristol has an active gay scene on dating apps like Grindr, Scruff, HER and Tinder. It can be easier to find dates through apps than bars due to the city’s size, though hookup culture dominates on some. For more relationship-focused opportunities, sites like OKCupid, Match and eHarmony have larger Bristol user bases.
The city is home to multiple LGBTQ+ social and support organizations that may offer ways to network beyond bars and apps. The Bristol LGBTQ+ Project has weekly drop-in sessions, counseling services and runs community events throughout the year. The LGBTIQ+ Consortium is a charitable coalition of local LGBTQ+ groups. Both can connect individuals to a wide range of groups and resources.
Bristol Pride, held annually in late August, is the largest free Pride festival in the UK after London. It draws hundreds of thousands of people to a parade and events across the Downs celebrating Bristol's vibrant queer culture. The positive atmosphere makes it easy to meet new people at stalls and performances.
Those new to Bristol or Britain may find certain cultural differences when dating. The city has a casual, non-confrontational atmosphere but British dating etiquette varies somewhat from other places. It's generally advisable to demonstrate confidence but not come on too strongly initially. Inviting someone for a drink is common before explicitly discussing being romantic partners. Politeness and respecting personal space are valued.
Overall, Bristol provides a liberal, open-minded environment where LGBTQ+ individuals can feel comfortable exploring relationships. With its energetic nightlife, multitude of community groups and welcoming festivals, there are ample opportunities both online and offline to find companionship through gay dating in the city. Bristol Pride and civic leaders work hard to promote inclusion and protect LGBTQ+ rights, helping the community to thrive.
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Hello everyone! I wrote this "prologue" (not really a prologue per se, but the beginning) or a short(ish) story I'm writing (~40k words for now), about three "heroes" (a young civil servant, an old cartomancer and an ageless elvish journalist) going on an adventure to find three old wise men in order to save their city. I wanted to know if this "prologue" was good at doing some exposition without being too infodump-y or draggy, while still being engaging. Thank you in advance for your time!
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The clock ticked, impassive, in the morgue of the City Hall of Pampluche. Ricifrede, the court necromancer, was leaning over the lifeless body of the late Mayor Theodemer III.
There was a tendency to think of necromancers as magicians stuck in their art and the past; but it was a discipline constantly evolving, adapting to new technologies and recent discoveries. It had been a long time since necromancers practiced their discipline in damp crypts by the light of greasy, dripping candles, in the midst of cabalistic circles and muttering in their dirty beards and threadbare black robes. Nowadays, they worked in tiled and air-conditioned rooms, cool and easy to clean, with all the comfort and modern amenities needed for reanimating the dead.
Yet, thought Ricifrede as he combed Theodemer III’s beard, one could not fail to feel the weight of the past in the morgue of the City Hall. If the floor was tiled, the ceiling still bore the pre-revolutionary mouldings, from the time when Pampluche was the capital of a powerful empire, the Magedom of Wander, imposing its hegemony over the entire Tatters Valley. If the municipal government, starched in a very republican secularism, had sought to chase wizards out of palaces and parliaments to lock them up in their schools, the people always kept in mind, imbued with nostalgia, the memory of the pomp and glory of the Archimages of times gone by.
Ricifrede shook his head to clear his mind, wandering in the vestiges of a past gone more than two centuries ago, and focused on the corpse. It was not good to entertain these kinds of ideas. The absolute magarchy had been repealed, and it was taboo to even mention the possibility of the return of an Archimage. Even Ricifrede, although a practitioner of the arcane, had been raised like all children in a secular school, and he found the idea of a return to the Old Regime not only ludicrous but also absurd and, even more, harmful for Pampluche.
He had finally finished combing the late mayor’s beard, and he began to braid it, looking up at the clock. It should not be long, he thought. The news must have been out by now, and it was going to freak many people out. And, in fact, barely a minute or two later, he heard a cavalcade of footsteps approaching in the corridors, screams echoing then the door opening with a loud crash on a voice which ordered:
“Wake him up!”
Necromancers are generally nervous people, jumping at the slightest noise, unusual as they were to human contact and to people announcing themselves without being awakened by them before. But Ricifrede had learned to control his emotions. You do not work as long as him at the municipal court without developing a certain amount of self-control.
The necromancer let the intruders approach his work table and catch their breath while he threaded beads and jewels into the mayor’s beard. Then he said, in an even voice:
“He killed himself.”
“I know!” panicked a man in a shapeless beige suit. “And that’s the problem!”
“We absolutely have to wake him up so that someone kills him again!” said a woman with her glasses slipping on a long, endless nose.
“He killed himself,” the necromancer repeated.
“You’re rambling,” replied a massive woman with greying hair and calloused hands. “We know he killed himself! And that’s why you need to do your damn job for once, and revive him!”
Ricifrede put the last ring on the mayor’s twisted moustache, rubbed his hands on his leather apron and took a step back to admire his work. He was proud of it. He knew he was one of the best in Pampluche, but it was always nice to see some proof. All necromancers knew how to animate the dead and speak with souls; after all, this was the basis of their trade. But only a handful knew how to give corpses the appearance of life, a part of necromancy all too often neglected.
Then he turned towards the newcomers. He knew almost all of them, by name, by sight, from having passed them in a corridor or from having exchanged a few words at the end of year celebrations. The Keeper of the Seals, the Vice-President of the City Council, the Postmaster General, the Provost of the Merchants, the Superintendent of the Mayor’s Music… All the big names, the cream of the cream, the icing on the cakes of the city’s various administrations, institutions and corporations. And everyone, at this moment, wore on their faces a mask of deep panic with a spark of hope. Spark that Ricifrede snuffed.
“He killed himself. And before you say anything,” he added, when the notables opened their mouths and raised their heads, “a suicide is when a person has decided, by themselves, to leave our world to the next. We ought not to force them to come back among us. Have you heard of the concept of consent? Our code of ethics opposes the reanimation of a suicide, and anyone who attempts it will be the shame of our august profession, as their license will be revoked. What you’re asking is opposed to all laws, not only ours but those of nature. We took an oath never to try it.”
“Wouldn’t it be possible to make an exception for…”
“No,” said the necromancer in a voice which admitted of no further reply.
The notability of Pampluche glanced at itself, stamping their feet impatiently, as if a secret was burning on their lips.
“Maybe we could tell…” said the woman with the long nose.
“What next?” shouted a fat lady wearing a thick gold chain around her neck. “It’s top secret! It’s not meant to be sold willy-nilly!”
“Certainly, but given the situation, it could convince him to reanimate the mayor.”
“No! I protest! I refuse! I…”
“Refuse as you want,” said the man in the shapeless beige suit that Ricifrede recognized as the Vice-President of the City Council, the highest-ranking civil servant in the country. “First of all, I have always wondered why the Provost of the Merchants was privy to such top secrets, so perhaps don’t speak too loud as the risk of losing your privileges. Besides, it shouldn’t be long anyway. It was always punctual: seventy-two hours after death. Usually, the mayor is already buried at this time, but with the investigation taking longer than usual because of the suicide, everything was postponed. But it never waits.”
“Who is this it?” asked the necromancer.
“Don’t worry, it won’t be long,” said the Vice-President, sitting down on a stool and folding his hands on his waistcoat. “But everything you’ll see will be considered top secret, and we will not hesitate to use the Great Round Seal if the need arises.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
The answer started to appear to him: the temperature of the room suddenly dropped. Oh, in a tiny amount, barely noticeable, but for an accomplished necromancer, used to flirt against the veil of death on a daily basis, this kind of temperature variation was commonplace and easy to spot.
He turned around and his heart skipped a beat. The flames of the candles had diminished in intensity, and the shadows were whirling and emerging from their corners to gather into a massive, sinister silhouette. The shadows began to draw legs, then a torso, and finally it was a knight in armour, its face hidden behind a helmet, holding a longsword in its hands, standing menacingly over Ricifrede who was wondering if he had to run away or faint.
“Who killed the Archimage?” asked the knight in a hollow voice. “And who will take back the Pointy Hat? Let my next Master appear before me, in accordance with the laws of yesteryear, and let the new Archimage reveal themselves.”
Ricifrede’s mouth refused to operate, as did his legs, but the Vice-President of the City Council got up from the stool, buttoning his jacket, and walked towards the apparition.
“It’s that, um… I’m sorry, but the investigation is still on its way. But as soon as we find the culprit…”
“You have ten days left,” said the knight. “Not one more. In ten days, at noon, if the Archimage is not recognized and brought before me, under the laws of yore, the Pact will come to its end.”
He once became a simple silhouette made of shadows, which disappearing into a series of shreds which came back to curl up under a table, under a chair, in a corner of a wall or a doorway. The candles glowed again, and the few degrees lost in temperature had returned as if nothing had happened.
Ricifrede, still speechless, sank onto his stool near the work table where Theodemer III was resting. What he witnessed was powerful magic. Powerful and ancient. A spell which probably dated back to the Old Regime, before the revolution. But there was one word that caught his attention:
“Was… was he talking about the mayor?” he asked.
“Absolutely,” replied the Vice-President, who was still looking at the place where the knight was standing a moment earlier.
“But… but he called him Archimage!”
Ricifrede was, as it had already been mentioned, a pure secularist like the vast majority of Pampluchese citizens. Wizards had no business being involved in politics and, knowing his magical colleagues and fellows, he was the first to admit it. Having an Archimage at the head of Pampluche was taboo, anathema, a monstrosity against which the entire secularist mentality of Pampluche was founded.
And he just learned that the mayor was the Archimage, but disguised! His moral and patriotic fibre was on the verge of breaking with outrage.
While he was choking from shock, the Vice-President of the City Council dragged a stool, making it screech on the morgue tiles, and came to sit in front of him.
“I see you’re disturbed by the news, but don’t worry: the title of Archimage is purely honorary. Theodemer III had no more magic in him than you and me. Well, mostly me.”
“But, I…”
“I’m delighted to see that you are behaving like an exemplary citizen and that you are showing perfect secular value, but time is of the essence. And since you know most of the secret, we might as well tell you everything else, might we not? Tell me, Master Ricifrede, have you ever wondered why the City of Pampluche completely demobilized its standing army recently?”
“Not really,” he replied after thinking for a moment. “I always thought that Pampluche’s hegemony over the region served as a shield against invaders, right?”
“Wrong. Quite the opposite, actually. Our neighbours only dream of invading us to end this very hegemony of ours.”
“Isn’t there a conscription system in the event of an attack?”
“Do you remember doing your military service?” asked the civil servant.
“No?”
“Exactly. I’m not sure that even a tenth of the City would be in good shape enough to defend it, and I doubt that that tenth would be brave enough to not abdicate right away.”
Ricifrede looked at him, shrugging his shoulders to show that his assumptions about the absence of a standing army dried up in his mind.
“You see,” continued the Vice-President, crossing his hands over his knees, “a long time ago, during the Old Regime, Archimages made a pact with… with an entity. It’s not really a demon, nor really a creature of the Void, no one really knows what it is, because since it’s the best kept secret in the City, no one has really had the opportunity to study it. Anyway! It is this entity which is responsible for the defence of the country. Defence on the material plane, however: it is powerless against elves, feys, or other oddities from another plane. And, at the time of the Revolution, the Committees saw that it would be stupid to do without such a defensive strike force, especially since most of the neighbouring magedoms took a dim view of the secularist influence of Pampluche and that they had a plethora of battle wizards at their disposal while we had just beheaded most of ours. Therefore, the first Mayor of Pampluche, the one who had killed the last Archimage of the time, agreed to take back the title, only in order to maintain the Pact.
“I think I understand?” said Ricifrede, doubtfully. “But what were those stories about who killed the mayor?”
He still had troubles calling him Archimage, despite the explanations. This went against his deepest beliefs.
The Vice-President sighed, rubbing his hands on his thighs.
“The method of succession in the Old Regime which we had, despite ourselves, to repeat and respect, and which is the only that the… the entity recognizes as legitimate. The de mortis rule. The Archimage was the one who killed the previous one.”
“Come on, that’s stupid! We never…”
“Think about it, Master Ricifrede. Do you remember a single Mayor of Pampluche who died of natural causes since the Revolution?”
The necromancer opened his mouth, closed it, and realized he was speaking the truth. And, now that he was putting his memory to work, mentally reciting the list of Mayors to himself as any good little schoolboy should do, he realized that many assassins had been crowned Mayor in the process.
“But… isn’t the mayor elected?” he asked. “By you?”
“A Mayor, elected by the City Council? Don’t be ridiculous,” said the Vice-President. “The mayor has always been appointed by killing his predecessor. It’s in the nature of things. And so, as you see, a mayor who commits suicide will jeopardize the security and defence of Pampluche; after all, he cannot succeed himself. This would be opposed to the laws of non-cumulative mandates, a Pampluchese citizen not being allowed to fill the same office twice less than a year apart. So, far from me to accuse you of high treason or felony or to work against your own homeland, but if you do not reanimate the mayor so that someone can kill him properly, we could doubt your patriotic fibre.”
Ricifrede bit his lip. If he had just been made aware of a top secret, he would have to reveal one of his profession.
“I can’t,” he said pitifully, lowering his head.
“Come on, I know it is frowned upon and against your code, but given the circumstances, I think that…”
“I don’t mean that I don’t want to. I can’t. Nobody can.” He shifted uncomfortably on his stool. “To reanimate someone, their soul must desire it, or at least not be opposed to it. But the soul of a self-killed person refuses. Enchanters manage to charm whoever you want while alive, but the question of consent, even tacit, remains paramount in necromancy. We’ve been trying for centuries and centuries, believe me, but no way. Even the Zytoman Emperor, although a quite good necromancer and perhaps the most powerful one who ever existed, is not capable of it. We have tried to use psychics or Ouija boards to communicate with suicide victims, but it turns out that most psychics are charlatans anyway. And then there is the language barrier to communicate with the Afterlife, of course.”
“Because they speak a dead language, haha?” the Vice-President tried to lighten the mood.
“Um… yes, if you will. But whatever we do, a suicide never comes back from the dead. So, we decided to hide all this under our Hippocritic Oath. It’s easier to wrap yourself in ethical and moral considerations than to admit that you don’t know how to do something, isn’t it?”
“So, what you’re saying is…”
“If he had died by accident, of illness or old age, I could have tried something,” said Ricifrede, looking at the lifeless body of the mayor next to him. “But suicide? I’m sorry, this is a problem that necromancy hasn’t been able to solve yet.”
The notables’ faces fell at the news. They never imagined that this was possible. For them, a simple reanimation and the matter was settled. The Vice-President sat back on his stool, letting out a long, desperate sigh.
“Well, my friends, I fear this is the end,” the said in a resigned tone. “Better start preparing, I guess, because as soon as word gets around…”
“Wait a moment!”
The woman with the long nose stepped forward. Ricifrede did not know her, but he recognized her robe and her pointy hat: she was the rector of the Fumehood University, the oldest institution of magic in the country and where Ricifrede studied. One of the most powerful and influential wizards in the City, alongside the Perpetual Secretary of the Pampluchese Academy and the Administrator of the College of Pampluche. Her eyebrows were furrowed and her hand was raised, as if she was trying to formulate an idea.
“Have there not been Archimages who died of natural causes?” she asked, as much for herself as for the others. “I know we tended to happily kill each other back then, but there were some who slipped through the cracks, weren’t they? Heo VI, if I’m not mistaken, from apoplexy after drinking too much, or Thoriso the Zinzolin, falling into a well. However, they ruled after the Pact was made with the entity, and the Pact was never broken by that as far as I know.”
“Perhaps, so what?” asked the Vice-President of the City Council.
“Well, if an archimage succeeded to Heo or Thoriso without them being assassinated, it is because they had laws concerning the devolution of the archimagal pointy hat outside of the de mortis right. Perhaps we could repeat it?”
“But these would be laws from the Old Regime! They were all repealed when the Slate Gardens were taken, they are no longer valid!”
“Not exactly.” It was the Perpetual Secretary who had just spoken, an old man so hunched over his staff that he regularly tripped over his long beard. “It is the abolition of magileges which took place on the night of the fourth of Elfidor. But not all the laws of the Old Regime were repealed, as proved by the Ordinance of Vilain-Cutlets, more than five hundred years old, but which is still the text which defines Wanderan as the official language of Pampluche. Until a law has been specifically repealed, or a newer law replaces it, they can still be used in court. Also, I would say that the laws of devolution of the pointy hat of the Old Regime can still be applied to our case, especially since our mayor still bears the title of Archimage.”
“Really? And what do these laws say?” asked the Vice-President, sitting up, suddenly filled with hope.
The Perpetual Secretary hesitated, chewing his moustache, hunched over his staff, his gaze avoiding that of the Vice-President.
“That is, um… that is to say that if it is admitted that laws exist in a sort of, of, of astral plane, of legalistic dimension, independently of any material contingency, their written traces have… How to say? Let’s say that they suffered during the taking of the Slate Gardens. Many documents were lost at this time.”
The Vice-President leaned back heavily on his stool.
“So, you’re gloriously useless, Secretary.”
The old man nodded, not really able to prove the civil servant wrong.
“And aren’t there immortals from that time who still live and can help us?” asked the Superintendent of the Mayor’s Music. “It was barely two hundred years ago, there must be some left, right?”
“You know how immortals are like,” said the Administrator of the College of Pampluche. “They all have terrible manners. Completely stuck in the past, impossible to argue with, always complaining about the weather of the degeneracy of youth or whatever. But maybe there is another way…”
He walked forward into the room, forcing the other occupants and some light furniture to give way to him. It was not like they had any choice: the Administrator was an obese man, so fat he became spherical, and he was able to stand only because he had enchanted his girth with a levitation spell.
“You see, the fundamental laws of the Magedom of Wander had been compiled a few centuries before the Revolution in what we call the Very Old Custom,” he said. “This document was written by three semi-legendary authors known as Copu the Wise, Treal the Proud and Mahe the Loyal. During the Revolution, they fled the city, and it is said that they found refuge in the surrounding area. They probably still remember some important laws, and I imagine the devolution of the Pointy Hat would have been one of them.”
“Would they still be alive?” asked the Provost of the Merchants.
“Oh, without a doubt,” said the Administrator. “They were already a thousand years old at the time of the Revolution. They were very powerful wizards; I don’t think they would let themselves die so easily. After all, all three of them passed under the blade of the guillotine, and contemporary witnesses claim to have seen them leave at full speed, each carrying their head under their arm.”
“So, if I understand correctly,” said the Vice-President, clasping his hands, “our chances of not losing our only line of defence, and of not having an eternal entity ready to fall on us, is to find the trace of three semi-legendary men more than a thousand years old, probably at tad mad against the secular government of Pampluche and who have literally lost their minds?”
The Administrator looked at the Perpetual Secretary, who glanced at the Rector, who turned her head towards the Administrator. The three were the magical elite of the country, and no one knew more about the matter than they did. Unfortunately, their knowledge did not seem to be worth much at the moment.
“Better than nothing?” said the Rector in a small voice.

I'm sure a lot of you can relate to this, But not being in a relationship for a huge chunk of my life has had a dramatic impact on my self esteem. Due to the rise of social media, Only fans, and dating apps, I've noticed these platforms have created a major destruction in relationships. To the point where it's platonically impossible to find a mate nowadays because everyone is inside most of the time. It's also due to the fact that I have been rejected and ghosted in my life more times than I can count, which made me quit altogether.
This of course has led me down a dark path with pornography. It's not something that i'm frantically using, usually every night before I go to bed is when I use it, because typically this is the time where I feel the loneliest. Whenever I get that lonely feeling, there is an urge to porn that comes up. It's like a drug that I use to numb the pain of feeling lonely and not having a mate. It helps me forget that I'm single and sexless.
I wish there was just an off button to turn these feelings off and forget about them, but due to biology it's damn near impossible. I'm saying this to ask if any of you feel the same, And if so what are your healthy outlets to combat these feelings? Thanks for your feedback.

Hi. I'm a guy who doesn't have his stuff together, and there's a lot about my current situation that I'm ashamed of. I've decided that that doesn't disqualify me from making a connection with someone. I'm lonely, and this is my attempt to change that. So here we go, here's some stuff about who I am.
I'm 32 and I have spent most of my life in the suburbs of Chicago, though I now live in Southern Illinois. I currently do not work, because I've been caretaking for someone in my family. I plan to start looking for work again in about a month. I live with my parents (one of the things I'm ashamed of) and have for the past few years. I worked all through out my early and mid 20s, and I burned myself out. I became a serious alcoholic and I was spiraling. So in 2017 I quit my job and went to rehab. Ever since then I've been trying to figure out how I want to spend my life. I've had multiple setbacks, mainly due to mental health problems. But I have a serious goal of moving out of my parents' house within the next year. I've done a lot of work on myself over the last 6 years, and I think it's time I try to get back out in society.
Alright so I got the embarrassing stuff out of the way. I'll cover some other important things about me. I love cats. I have three of them, and I think that the connection you can have with a cat far surpasses that which you can have with a dog. I try not to be a dog hater, but in my heart that's what I am. I'm into music as much as everyone else is, but I sometimes find it hard to listen to because it makes me feel more than I'd like to. Right now I'm mildly obsessing over a band called Softcult. My other favorite artists are Pinegrove, Indigo De Souza, Carly Rae Jepsen, Spiritbox, Alex Cameron, Movements, and others. Some years I keep a garden, but it kind of depends on my mental health. I didn't grow one this year. I'm a hobbyist soap-maker and sometimes like to send soap to my friends. I'm a liberal person with some extreme beliefs. I'm vegan. I don't have a degree, but I'm considering going back to school at some point. I follow basketball, football, and Japanese baseball pretty closely. My favorite books are Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, and A Confederacy of Dunces. I also like the occasional graphic novel. I don't play a lot of videogames, but I like watching twitch streamers from time to time. I'm really into the Super Smash Bros Melee competitive scene as a viewer. I have a relatively dry sense of humor and can be a bit of an asshole.
I'm single and have been for the last 3 years. I had a serious relationship until August of 2020. It took me about 2 years to heal, and I'm finally ready to start looking again. Please be single if you respond (all respect to the poly people out there, it's just not for me).
Alright, that's enough I think. I'm looking for more than just someone to talk to once, so hopefully you're looking for the same. I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for reading

Alex Renton April 12, 2015
It was the happiest time of the school year. Kate, which is not her real name, and her class of 12- and 13-year-olds would soon leave Aberlour House, their home for a third or more of their lives. Next term most of them would start at the senior school, Gordonstoun, a famously severe Scottish institution that Prince Charles had once described as "Colditz in kilts." Fifteen children, all boarders and fresh out of exams, set off into the Scottish mountains for a week's camping.
"Exped" is one of Gordonstoun's traditions, born of the unique vision of the school's founder, the educational innovator Kurt Hahn. A refugee from Nazi Germany, Hahn is most famous for founding the Outward Bound movement. But before that, in 1934, he set up a revolutionary new school in a dilapidated stately home in Moray, northeast Scotland. Schooling would include mountains, the sea, fresh air and soul-stiffening adventures.
Gordonstoun was a success, especially after Prince Philip of Greece, now the Duke of Edinburgh, arrived. Other royals followed: five of the Queen's children and grandchildren went there, despite Charles's complaints. By the 1970s it was touted as a place for spoilt or wealthy children who needed toughening up—Sean Connery and David Bowie's sons went, and so did Charlie Chaplin's granddaughter. Physical punishment, strict discipline and cold showers were key to Hahn's approach to keeping children in line.
The school was notorious not just for being tough, but for bullying. The novelist William Boyd, who started boarding there aged nine, described his nine-and-a-half years at Gordonstoun's junior and senior schools as "a type of penal servitude." Smaller children were at the mercy of older ones and violence, theft and extortion were common. As part of his initiation at Gordonstoun, Prince Charles, aged 13, is said to have been caged naked in a basket and left under a cold shower.
In 1936, Hahn founded a preparatory school for Gordonstoun, to cater for children as young as seven. The regime at Aberlour House was not much softer. In the 1970s there was no central heating. Windows were left open at night: in the winter, the children could wake up with snow on their blankets. The school was separate, situated half an hour away, though Gordonstoun helped manage it. The schools shared a uniform, school song and the motto Kurt Hahn had devised: "Plus est en vous," a contraction of a French phrase—there is more in you than you imagine.
Mutual respect, resilience and trust were the cornerstones of Hahn's notions of how to educate a child. His ideas have made Gordonstoun one of Britain's most famous public schools. But a series of complaints sent to me covering 40 years reveal a dark alternative history. Not all of the stories can be detailed here. But, too often to be excused, Gordonstoun and its junior school appear to have let down the trust of parents and failed to respect the rights and needs of children. [Sexual predators] are a part of the history of many celebrated schools in Britain. But Gordonstoun's story is particularly urgent because Scotland's archaic laws around proving sexual assault dissuade victims from coming forward. They can mean predators, who might be brought to trial, remain at large and free to offend.
Kate arrived at Aberlour House on a bursary in the 1980s. She was nine years old. Initially she was bullied by other pupils for being poor and having a Scottish accent. But by her last year at the junior school she was a prefect—a "colour bearer," in Hahn's militaristic system. She was, she says, a perfect, docile product of the educator's ethos. "I was a really good girl, I didn't misbehave, I got on with my work. I was a good citizen," she explains, a twist in her smile.
The lochside where the children camped saw the end of that Kate. What she says happened beside it has tarnished her life: an assault by a serial rapist, the trusted young teacher in charge of the expedition. Her most vivid memory of the subsequent summer days in the Highlands is of the moment when she went to a cliff-top, having decided to end her life. She was 12.
The exped was led by a male teacher. "He was young and everyone thought he was cool. We wanted to go," remembers Kate.
Mr X, as we must call him, was in sole charge of the trip. As the excited children got ready in their dormitories at Aberlour House, he supervised the packing. He told them—as other witnesses told the police—not to bother with bathing costumes. "As a kid, I suppose, you just think—skinny-dipping! As an adult, you go… What?"
The exped set off in high excitement. "We got there, the banks of a loch, somewhere in the middle of nowhere and he said there weren't enough tents. So, we were a tent short, which meant that somebody would have to sleep in his tent each night. We'd have to 'rotate.'"
"At dinner-time we all had coffee and, a few of the girls, he filled their mugs with alcohol. I think it was rum. I felt a bit giddy. In the tent, the first night, it was me and two other girls. I remember being cold, wearing a jumper. And he started touching me, when they were still in the tent. I didn't know what to do. I was totally frozen, scared. I pretended to be asleep thinking it might stop. They left the tent, they were embarrassed, they knew what was going on. So they went to sleep somewhere else and left me alone with him. They were just in another tent, they must have heard everything. So they all knew it had happened.
"I didn't know what to do. I didn't do anything. I was terrified. I don't remember much but the pain, on my cervix… He wore a condom. What kind of a man takes a packet of condoms on a school camping trip?"
She didn't confide in anyone. "It was awful. Five or six more nights. Nobody spoke to me. I didn't speak to anyone."
For the rest of the trip Mr X ignored her. One day, lonely and confused, Kate wandered away from the campsite, contemplating suicide. "I got to the edge of the cliff, completely on my own, in the middle of nowhere. I was going to do it, and then I just thought, 'No. Actually, maybe, I won't do this.'"
Kate then began to have an inkling that she was not the only girl targeted. "The girls who were bitchy to me already were more bitchy, led by Jane [which is not her real name]. She was, I realise now from what the police have told me, already in a relationship with him. And the other girls were her gang.
"Later on, X said he had to go down to the village for something. It was because one of the boys had to make a call to his parents. He said to this other girl, Jane, she had to come as well."
This boy remembers the event well. "He bought us two drinks each—half-pints or pints. I'd never had alcohol in my life. I remember giggling about it with Jane. I think now that I was there because it would have been weird for him to have gone just with her, in a pub buying a 13-year-old drinks. It's better if there are two of you."
The boy believes that X's relationship with Jane lasted a year or more. "Once I was with her in his bedsit in the school, chatting with him. I left the room, but I went back very quickly and the door was locked. When I knocked no one answered, but I knew they were in there." This was just one of several incidents when X and Jane were in rooms alone, often with doors locked. "You don't think much of it at the time, but something lodges, because you do remember them as something that wasn't right—an adult and a 13-year-old."
X continued for at least another year at Aberlour. He would occasionally see Kate in a corridor: "He was checking up on me. He used to say to me: 'You'll die before me.' I've no idea what he meant."
At Gordonstoun the following year, the bullying began. It was led by Jane and it was rooted in the rape at the campsite. Girls would sing a song in Kate's hearing about "That night in the tent." The rumours of what happened at the campsite spread. Both she and Jane subsequently changed their names by deed poll—not unusual for adults trying to rebuild themselves after childhood abuse.
Now, Kate can begin to understand the root of Jane's antagonism. "I always had a feeling there was something there—and now I realise the extent of what happened with her and the reason why she bullied me so much. In some ways, she had it worse than me. She considered herself in a relationship with him. I suppose she was in love with him."
When she was 16, Kate's father died in an accident. She had always been close to him. When she was 14 she had tried to tell him about X. "I started by saying a teacher made a pass at me and he freaked out. I didn't tell him any more, I didn't want to hurt him." His death hit her hard, and she ended up in hospital after overdosing on paracetamol.
"I was such a mess. Gordonstoun threatened to kick me out, after my father was killed, unless I had psychiatric help." After treatment, she returned to the school and found that one thing had changed. The bullying, the gossip and name-calling stopped. But now, in her 40s, with her own children, Kate is still dealing with X's assault.
"Just recently, I realised I've spent my whole life trying to prove I'm not his victim. I've always said it has not affected me. Not me, I'm absolutely fine. In actual fact it has given me some very unhealthy patterns of behaviour, and also feelings towards myself. I only realised this in the past year, on my own. I wanted to prove I wasn't scared, of men, of sex. All that stuff. I wasn't going to be the classic rape victim. I thought I had sorted it all out."
There are other stories, too. At the age of seven, John also started at the school one summer in the 1980s. Kate remembers him: "Just the sweetest little boy." He was following a family tradition: his father went to both Aberlour and Gordonstoun. John's father remains a believer in Kurt Hahn's philosophy of teaching trust and self-discipline. He is a member of the fundraising committee of the Kurt Hahn Foundation, which raises money for scholarships to the school.
Most of John's memories of Aberlour are of happiness and success. He wanted to board and did well. He excelled at sport and passed the exams to go on to the senior school with a commendation.
After a year or two, a new teacher arrived to take charge of English. "An eccentric," says another student from that time, "a know-it-all and a show off." Derek Jones was a keen photographer and ran the photography club. Pupils remember him wandering the school, a camera hanging down to his belly, his hands resting on top. His wanderings took him to the sports changing rooms. Supervision of this place was the matron's job. Nonetheless, "Jones would often spend prolonged periods around the changing rooms and in the shower room," says John.
John got to know Jones well after he was cast in the 1988 school panto. Late one night in his final year, 1990, John left the dormitory seeking help. Two of his toenails had been surgically removed after being broken in a rugby match that afternoon, and the painkillers had worn off. Jones found him, took him into his bedroom and said that he could provide some special, very strong painkillers so long as John promised to keep it secret. "He told me if I told anyone he would get into trouble, while he was only trying to do me a favour and help me."
Half an hour later, Jones assaulted John in his bed in the dormitory. After stroking and patting the boy, he reached under the covers, pulled down his boxer shorts and attempted to masturbate him. John, under the effect of the pills, tried to push the teacher off him. He found he could not speak. After minutes of panicky struggle, Jones stopped the fondling and put his head under the covers, turning on a torch. John heard a camera's shutter click and click again. He believes Jones took half a dozen photographs.
After Jones left the room, John struggled to get out of bed. It took a while, but eventually he woke his best friend, Michael. He told him what had happened and together the two 12-year-olds went to Jones's room to confront him.
The stand-off lasted an hour. Jones denied all. He said that John must have imagined it, as a result of the pills. John and Michael demanded the camera and the film rolls they could see on Jones's desk. If nothing had happened, then surely Jones wouldn't mind them getting the films developed. The teacher refused and eventually the boys, exhausted, went back to bed.
A few weeks after the assault, John was driving with his mother. They were both listening to a Radio 4 programme and a woman was talking of her abuse as a child. "I know just how she feels," said John.
The parents took their child to see the much-liked headmaster, David Hanson. "I went with John," his father told me. "It was obvious that the headmaster believed him. There was no reason not to. He referred the matter to Gordonstoun." The police were called and interviewed John and other pupils and members of staff. Jones was sacked. John's parents say that they were encouraged not to seek a prosecution. Going into a witness box might be damaging for their son.
The school promised that in return for co-operation over not insisting on prosecution, it would ensure that Jones never taught again. "We accepted that," says John's father. "It was adequate, because there was a categoric assurance, a cast-iron guarantee that under no circumstances would Jones ever again teach children in a school. He would be barred." He adds that this pledge was repeated in a letter from Gordonstoun's then bursar, George Barr.
When John returned to the school, Jones was gone, but things had changed. "There had naturally been a lot of gossip among the pupils. I felt eyes in the back of my head from other students. I remember being called a 'homo'. I suppose in the eyes of some children I must have been a 'homo' to have 'allowed' it to happen. There was a fight arranged in the senior boot-room during break time and after that I was no longer a 'homo'. The remaining time there was happy."
But as he went on to the senior school, the wider repercussions of Jones's assault became apparent. The head boy and sporting hero of the junior school now kept his head down. Crucially, his faith in adults was gone. "It changed me completely," he says today. "I was a model student until that evening. I became a nightmare. If I was bored, I made mischief. I left Gordonstoun having failed my A levels, I didn't go to university. My life since school has involved drug use, alcoholism and a distinct lack of belief and trust that those who say they will always be there, actually will."
John eventually got on with his life and became a successful businessman. But he was not at ease: his sense that justice was not done back in 1990 exacerbated with the worry that Jones might have preyed upon other children.
The stories told here are not the only ones to stain Aberlour House and Gordonstoun. A startling series of allegations, dating back to the 1960s, has emerged in recent years. They're not all ancient history. Kevin Lomas, a teacher at the senior school during Kate and John's time was jailed in 2008 for sexual offences against young girls at a tutoring school he ran in Oxfordshire.
During the 16 years Lomas worked at Gordonstoun he had a reputation for inappropriate sexual activity: he was known for his fumbling attempts to kiss the girl pupils—"with tongue." He, too, took children on exped. A Gordonstoun spokesperson told us: "There is no suggestion that Mr Lomas committed any criminal behaviour during his time at the school." If there were, then or now, the school would inform the police.
Such events and others, coupled with the stream of recent stories about sex scandals and cover-ups in celebrated public schools, sparked talk among Gordonstoun's ex-pupils. In 2013 some of them began a private Facebook group, discussing things that had happened at the school, "that you don't see in the brochures and the class photographs," as one of them put it. Rapes, of boys and girls, were mentioned. Kate started to receive messages from girls she had known, apologising for the gossip and rumours, for the bullying, and for not having done more to help.
The group eventually involved more than 100 ex-pupils. Acting in concert, they presented the school with a list of demands: it should do more to address bullying and sexual abuse, issue an apology to past victims and fund help for them and, notably, promise in future to report any incidents to the police.
John briefly joined the group, but left it, thinking the chatter was futile: "It was mainly about bullying, old classroom rows." But he had already decided that he had to act on Jones: "I had a duty to make sure this bastard was not still out there doing things to kids." So in February 2014 he went to the police. Their subsequent investigation stretched as far as New Zealand. Eventually, John was told Derek Jones could not be brought to trial or offend again. He had died in a car crash in Kenya, five years earlier.
But if that was any consolation for John, it was spoilt by the shock of the other information the officer—who has declined to comment—then handed over. Despite Gordonstoun's solemn assurances, Derek Jones had gone on to teach, and potentially abuse, elsewhere. He had been forced to leave a school in Essex and had then surfaced and taught in Kenya. It is unclear what happened in East Africa, but former colonies there have provided a home for several [sexual predators] sacked from English private schools—some of whom have gone on to offend again. Scottish police have identified both the Essex and Kenya school where Jones taught, but have refused to name them to the Observer.
John's parents were horrified at the news. John's father told me: "I trusted the school. They said they'd make absolutely sure he'd never teach again. They didn't. And, if he did teach, that tells me someone at Gordonstoun must have given him a reference."
The school told police that it could not find a copy of the letter the Gordonstoun bursar, George Barr, sent to John's father, promising Jones would not teach again, because paperwork had been lost. It says that during this period, Aberlour had separate ownership and management. But one ex-head teacher of Aberlour from the time says that Gordonstoun staff were often involved in the junior school and that the two shared governors. (Since 2002 Aberlour has been fully merged with Gordonstoun). The school says it has co-operated with the police in its investigations into Aberlour House, Jones and Mr X.
"When the Facebook thing kicked off, says Kate, "my daughter had just turned 12. And I thought: 'You know, she's still got gappy teeth!' And I actually started to see myself then differently, completely differently. For all these years I'd not seen myself really as a child. My daughter brought it home to me that that is what I was."
Kate made a formal complaint, which was dealt with by the same police team who addressed John's case. The subsequent investigation—again, Police Scotland won't discuss it—turned up impressive numbers of witnesses with evidence to support Kate's claim. Crucially, police also found Jane and interviewed her. She told Kate, indirectly, how grateful she was that Kate had come forward. An arrest was made and Mr X made his first appearance in court—a process which in Scotland is private—to face allegations spanning four years.
For nearly a year, Kate prepared herself for facing X in court. It was very hard: the prospect of seeing him again was anguishing. She'd already had to identify him in a police line-up. That had caused her near-collapse. A local policewoman was made her liaison officer and became an emotional support; one of the things she told her was that Jane had asked the police to pass on her thanks: "Getting X to justice was the best thing that ever happened to her."
"When [the Procurator Fiscal's office] rang me and said, 'It's all fallen apart," I could not believe it. They were so certain it was all going to happen, that it was a done deal. I'd hung my hopes on the fact that it was. I was looking forward to it even though it would be horrendous. I knew I'd be a blubbering mess in court, but I wanted it and now it was taken away. I thought, how do I move forward? I still don't know how to move forward. I'm angry I allowed the whole thing to dominate my life again. And now I know I haven't got anywhere." Unfortunately the case was dropped when it became clear that Jane would be unable to give evidence. Kate cannot help but feel bitter. "I want to have compassion for her and at times I do. I know she's been through an awful lot. But it's hard not to have dark thoughts."
In truth, what has dragged Kate back to the horrors of her school days is not Jane's inability to give evidence but an arcane piece of Scottish criminal law—the principle of corroboration. Under it two independent witnesses or pieces of evidence are needed to confirm the key facts of a crime—in this case the identity of the alleged rapist and the fact of the rape. This is far from easy with crimes that tend to take place in private, such as sexual assault and domestic violence—and as a result, Scotland's rates of reporting of rape and convictions are among the lowest in the world.
Without forensic or medical evidence, prosecuting Mr X demanded two victims—Kate and Jane. The loss of Jane's evidence was fatal to the case, because the offence was in Scotland. If the allegation against X had concerned an event in England, or almost anywhere else in the world, the case would, the Observer has been told, have gone ahead without the need for corroboration. In England, also, John, Kate and others who suffered at the school would be able to bring civil compensation cases if their allegations were proven.
No official is permitted to discuss the case of X, but we have established that a thorough investigation was carried out, involving many of the people who were present at the campsite as well as other teachers. Nothing other than the lack of a corroborating witness, after Jane's withdrawal, emerged that might have derailed the case coming to court. The only consolation for Kate and Jane is that there is no bar to the investigation being reopened.
There is a simpler question for Gordonstoun and the 160 or more private boarding schools currently facing allegations about sexual crimes committed against their pupils—can they protect their children properly now? The Observer passed Gordonstoun's lengthy manual of "Child Protection Policy and Procedures" to Mandate Now, a campaign group lobbying to make child-protection systems in British institutions effective.
It examined the document in the light of many others adopted by hospitals, schools, care homes and social services and gave it a score of 4 out of 10. "It is verbiage, containing a number of disturbing flaws, " Mandate Now says. Reflecting the point made by the Gordonstoun ex-pupils, the report fails, it says, to make it clear that abuse or allegations of abuse need to be reported to an outside authority. Without that safety net, in place now in most British schools, cover-up always remains a possibility.
Gordonstoun says this complaint is irrelevant because the analysis is based on English practice. Its policy is based on Scottish government guidelines. A spokesperson said: "Pastoral care at Gordonstoun is highly regulated and is at the heart of everything that we do… Child protection is something we take very seriously and we are committed to providing a safe and nurturing environment for all our students. We have rigorous child-protection policies that have been developed with guidance from expert agencies. The latest independent report into the school… made particular reference to 'the extremely positive health promotion and child-protection procedures' in place at Gordonstoun."
The response went on: "We want our students to take full advantage of all the opportunities available to them and they can only do that if they are happy." That seems an admirable ambition—and a change of philosophy for Gordonstoun. For all the talk of service, honour, compassion and self-sacrifice in Kurt Hahn's teachings, the great educationalist and his disciples seem to have put less weight on the notion that, to learn and grow, children need to be happy. And safe.
Some of the names in this article have been changed.

Throwaway since my main account anonymity is probs compromised.
I (33M) somewhat recently found out that my wife (31F) of 5 years and partner of 13 years was having a months-long emotional and physical affair with another man of similar age. Currently, we are in minimal contact and I anticipate she will be served with divorce papers some time this week. I have no interest in reconciliation but let me describe what happened and where I am now.
We have been married for 5 years, partnered since our late teens, and we are both basically each other’s first everything. First serious relationship, first sexual partners, first loves, etc. Even hoping to start a family in the near future. I deeply trusted my wife and never ever thought she would do as much as hold hands with another man. So, imagine the shock when I found out that her cheating went full-blown nuclear.
I noticed that her behavior was off for the past several months. New hairstyles/makeup, new clothes, dressing more provocatively, a new friend group (of whom I knew nothing of and never met), posting thirst-trap pics on Instagram (I don’t have social media to monitor her). Also routinely stayed out late with “friends” or “sleepovers” with female friends because she would be “too drunk” to drive herself home on a random Tuesday night... This was happening routinely for several months, multiple times a week. I was so emotionally exhausted due to my career (80+ hour weeks, erratic schedule, working nights) that I did not have the energy to put the pieces together. I was in survival mode. On a couple of occasions, I somewhat lightly asked her if she was cheating, and she brushed it off.
Well, a few weeks ago we were hanging out watching TV and she was vigorously texting on her phone all night. Something finally seemed too “off” to me. She had a unique text tone for someone she was texting which was odd…*Note-- I had never ever gone through her phone throughout our whole relationship, so my degree of suspicion was very high.* When she went to the bathroom I searched her phone with the word “sex” and many iMessage texts came up with this guy/AP. She was returning from the restroom, so I put back her phone and tried to act cool until she went to bed, at which point I searched thoroughly through her phone to find out she was having a 3-4 month-long emotional and physical affair with AP. Before I have her phone back, I texted AP from her phone to tell him that she is married. IDK if they are still a thing and don’t really GAF.
Now all the puzzle pieces of her odd behavior are coming together. Reading through their texts, I see that in the past three months she had met up with this guy at least 15-20 times to hang out and have sex, sometimes staying at his house overnight to "cuddle". All the while, when she would tell me she was with her female friends, she was with him. When she told me she was with her family, she was with him. When she was staying late at work, she was with him. She even went on a weekend vacation with this guy where they stayed in a fancy hotel together, for which she had lied and said she was having a “girls' weekend”. In some pics I saw she was not wearing her wedding ring, and I suspect the AP didn’t know she was married. I don’t even know how she found/met this guy. My wife flawlessly executed the appearance of a single woman through a second life, at least until she got caught and exposed.
She lied and deceived me so many times about everything—her location, who she was with, what she was doing. I trusted this woman more than anyone in the world and she broke me in the worst imaginable way. This would hurt less if she had just physically died rather than betrayed me in this manner.
While their text messages likely detail just the tip of the iceberg of what they had done together, the text messages they sent were so sexually obscene. She says how she loves it when he comes inside her, she is obsessed with sex with him, loves his big D, wants to go to a sex shop with him, loves deep-throat him, yada yada... She did derogatory sexual acts with him that she would never do with me (yes, I now know of Madonna-304 complex lol). Trust me, there are much more explicit things but I won't go there… And yes, I quickly exposed to her family what she had done, sparing the most explicit items for the sake of decency.
She was having UNPROTECTED SEX with him. She is NOT on birth control. She risked exposing me to STDs (got tested, all negative). Worst of all, she did this over a dozen times, clearly without remorse. She practically constantly begged to hang out with him, leaving behind her chump husband of five years to take care of the house, career, bills, etc while she had wild romps with AP while high and/or drunk with him. WTH was she thinking because she clearly wasn’t caring about me or the marriage? Painfully, she would do these sexual acts to then return home to me, sleep with me, kiss me, and pretend to love me all the while freshly contaminated by him.
I will say that perhaps my recent behavior likely contributed to her poor decisions. She is a very insecure person (mainly about being increasingly overweight/obese) and I was in general emotionally unavailable due to the demands of my career. I was purely and routinely exhausted and had little emotional energy to offer the relationship. The stress of my career also killed my libido and she was often turned away, which is probably extra damaging to an insecure woman. And if we did have sex it was vanilla, but I didn’t mind that because at this point in my life I have a LOT of stressors and sex was not a high priority for me, sadly. Therefore, and in her words, she sought attention elsewhere as she had felt “sad, lonely, and insecure” and sought “validation”. BS! You are not justified despite the excuses. (FYI: She knew that my career would be like this before marrying me and said she would always be by my side. Also, all the years she was on birth control her libido tanked, but I never considered cheating once).
Clearly, she was already over the relationship seeing how easy it was for her to have an affair, lie relentlessly to me, and allow another man to pleasure her while leaving me in her back pocket. She also heavily financially abused me as I paid all the bills and she spent her income on herself and her fling. I am a chump lol.
Back to D-Day, I recorded all the evidence on her phone and kicked her out of the house (rental). She stayed with a friend until I ultimately decided to leave town to be closer to family, where I am now halfway across the country away from her. I’ve taken a leave of absence from work due to the emotional turmoil. Am doing all the "right" things (therapy, eating right, exercising, self-reflection, cutting vices, peer support, etc).
I have not seen or spoken with my STBXW since D-Day and we have barely communicated over text. In our limited conversations, she did state that she was extremely sorry, hates herself for how she hurt me and our marriage, her actions were horrendous and wants to do anything and everything to make the marriage work. Says that she loves me more than anything can cannot live life without me. Again… BS! In her texts, she told AP she was “falling for him” and wanted a committed relationship, although he repeatedly told her that he had always only wanted a casual relationship. When he wouldn’t give her the attention she wanted, she would lie to him saying that she was going on dates with other guys (lie, i think…) just to make him jealous. Honestly, if AP wanted a relationship with her, I think she would have left me and the marriage altogether for him. When I called her out on her words and actions, she turned to gaslighting and victim-offender switching.
Given the extent of her infidelity and lying, I can never trust her or love her in the same way again, so I am proceeding rapidly with divorce.
What is especially hard, since I am NC, is not having closure on the who/what/when/where/why and how. I crave closure through answers, although I doubt she would tell the whole truth anyway. I most likely will just have to live with that and the consequences of her actions. She is a seriously F'd up person and needs more therapy than she could ever afford at this point. And she is now free to go screw whoever she wants and have wild risky sex b/c she means NOTHING to me anymore. I wouldn't touch her netherregions with a 10-ft pole. Enjoy being served wifey.
Sorry for the long post, but the past month of my life has been a living hell and I am at rock bottom with nowhere else to go but up. Thankful for whatever blessings I have in my life ATM. I am surprised I wasn’t institutionalized at some point in this ordeal, but now am doing significantly better. Thanks for reading.
TLDR: my partner of 13 years, wife of 5 years, blindsided and betrayed me with her months-long second life with an emotional + physical affair. Now filing for divorce. Struggling with not having closure but sticking with NC. Mostly struggling with the betrayal but doing therapy and the only thing that can help me is time.

Elisa Masters Espoo 2023

• Organizer: Elisa Esports
• Type: LAN
• Location: 🇫🇮 Espoo, Finland
• Date: November 29th - December 3rd, 2023
• Prize Pool: $200,000
• Teams: 8
• Media: Event Homepage Twitter YouTube Instagram
• Coverage: Liquipedia HLTV

Streams

Elisa Esports: English Finnish

Format

Group Stage

• Double-elimination bracket (GSL Format)
• Two groups of four teams each
• Best-of-one opening matches
• Best-of-three following matches
• Top two teams from each group advance to the playoffs

Playoffs

• Single-elimination bracket
• Best-of-three semi-finals
• Best-of-five grand final

Broadcast Talent

Stage Host

🇬🇧 James Banks (James Banks)

Desk Host

🇬🇧 Veracity (Jasmine Kanuga)

Analysts

🇩🇰 Pimp (Jacob Winneche)
🇳🇴 vENdetta (Halvor Gulestøl)

Casters

🇦🇺 Dweg (Joshua Nathan)
🇬🇧 TheEternalJay (Jamie Martin)
🇬🇧 Ne0kai (Neo Caine)
🇧🇬 Tedd (Teodor Borisov)

Teams

Invited

🇺🇸 Complexity Gaming: 🇺🇸 EliGE 🇺🇸 floppy 🇺🇸 Grim 🇳🇴 hallzerk 🇿🇦 JT Coach: 🇿🇦 T.c
🇪🇺 ENCE: 🇵🇱 dycha 🇩🇰 gla1ve 🇲🇪 Maden 🇮🇱 NertZ 🇪🇸 SunPayus Coach: 🇵🇱 kuben
🇪🇺 Fnatic: 🇫🇷 afro 🇫🇷 bodyy 🇸🇪 KRIMZ 🇩🇪 kyuubii 🇸🇰 matys Coach: 🇬🇧 keita
🇧🇷 FURIA Esports: 🇧🇷 arT 🇧🇷 chelo 🇧🇷 FalleN 🇧🇷 KSCERATO 🇧🇷 yuurih Coach: 🇧🇷 guerri
🇪🇺 MOUZ: 🇸🇰 frozen 🇫🇮 Jimpphat 🇵🇱 siuhy 🇭🇺 torzsi 🇮🇱 xertioN Coach: 🇩🇰 sycrone
 

Qualified

🇪🇺 Apeks: 🇲🇰 CacaNito 🇳🇴 jkaem 🇲🇰 kyxsan 🇸🇪 nawwk 🇳🇴 sense Coach: 🇩🇰 MithR
🇪🇺 GamerLegion: 🇩🇰 acoR 🇸🇪 isak 🇧🇪 Keoz 🇵🇱 Snax 🇷🇴 volt Coach: 🇬🇧 ashhh
🇫🇮 HAVU Gaming: 🇫🇮 airax 🇫🇮 Banjo 🇫🇮 ottoNd 🇫🇮 sLowi 🇫🇮 uli Coach: 🇫🇮 xartE
 

Schedule

Match times are often susceptible to delay & change.
This thread may not update till the end of each day. Check HLTV for a more up to date schedule.
To predict your own tournament bracket, try out pickstop.gg

Day 1 (Wednesday November 29)

ID	Team	vs	Team	PST	EST	BRT	UTC	CET	EET	IST	SGT	AEDT	Format
AO	🇪🇺 ENCE	vs	🇫🇮 HAVU	03:00	06:00	08:00	11:00	12:00	13:00	16:30	19:00	22:00	bo1
AO	🇪🇺 GL	vs	🇪🇺 fnatic	04:00	07:00	09:00	12:00	13:00	14:00	17:30	20:00	23:00	bo1
AW	AO Winner	vs	AO Winner	07:00	10:00	12:00	15:00	16:00	17:00	20:30	23:00	02:00	bo3
AE	AO Loser	vs	AO Loser	09:30	12:30	14:30	17:30	18:30	19:30	23:00	01:30	04:30	bo3

Day 2 (Thursday November 30)

ID	Team	vs	Team	PST	EST	BRT	UTC	CET	EET	IST	SGT	AEDT	Format
BO	🇪🇺 MOUZ	vs	🇪🇺 Apeks	03:00	06:00	08:00	11:00	12:00	13:00	16:30	19:00	22:00	bo1
BO	🇺🇸 COL	vs	🇧🇷 FURIA	04:00	07:00	09:00	12:00	13:00	14:00	17:30	20:00	23:00	bo1
BW	BO Winner	vs	BO Winner	07:00	10:00	12:00	15:00	16:00	17:00	20:30	23:00	02:00	bo3
BE	BO Loser	vs	BO Loser	09:30	12:30	14:30	17:30	18:30	19:30	23:00	01:30	04:30	bo3

Day 3 (Friday December 1)

ID	Team	vs	Team	PST	EST	BRT	UTC	CET	EET	IST	SGT	AEDT	Format
AD	AW Loser	vs	AE Winner	06:00	09:00	11:00	14:00	15:00	16:00	19:30	22:00	01:00	bo3
BD	BW Loser	vs	BE Winner	09:00	12:00	14:00	17:00	18:00	19:00	22:30	01:00	04:00	bo3

Day 4 (Saturday December 2)

ID	Team	vs	Team	PST	EST	BRT	UTC	CET	EET	IST	SGT	AEDT	Format
SF	Group 1st	vs	Group 2nd	06:00	09:00	11:00	14:00	15:00	16:00	19:30	22:00	01:00	bo3
SF	Group 1st	vs	Group 2nd	09:00	12:00	14:00	17:00	18:00	19:00	22:30	01:00	04:00	bo3

Day 5 (Sunday December 3)

ID	Team	vs	Team	PST	EST	BRT	UTC	CET	EET	IST	SGT	AEDT	Format
GF	SF Winner	vs	SF Winner	07:00	10:00	12:00	15:00	16:00	17:00	20:30	23:00	02:00	bo5

Prize Pool

#	Prize	Team
1st	$100,000
2nd	$40,000
3rd - 4th	$15,000
3rd - 4th	$15,000
5th - 6th	$10,000
5th - 6th	$10,000
7th - 8th	$5,000
7th - 8th	$5,000

Other match discussions: globaloffensive on Discord
For overview replays of pro matches, check out csgolens.com

Other Notable Tournaments

🇪🇺 CCT Online Finals #5 (Nov 30 - Dec 7)
 

Ever since I accepted that this is just how I am, so much pressure has been taken off of me to find someone to be in a relationship with. I feel free to just be me, and without apology. Relationships have always been hard for me. I’ve never cared about the sex, and I’ve never even felt that overwhelming feeling of “that’s my person”. I realized that a lot of the reason I felt obligated to date despite knowing deep down that I am actually aromantic and asexual is because of a low self esteem and fear of being alone. But let me tell you. I have never been happier than I am now - celibate, single and alone! I have so much time to focus on myself and my goals. I never feel lonely because I have great friends who love me. And I don’t have to worry about intimacy complicating things and hurting feelings. I get sad when I see so many posts on here about people feeling like something is wrong with them because they don’t fit into whatever box they feel like they should. You fit into your own box! Whatever makes you happy is the box you should be in. And the crazy thing is, you can even change your mind! It’s ok to evolve, that’s part of being human. You don’t have to be one way or the other, just be you! I’m not really sure what the point of this overall is, but I wanted to throw something positive out there in case anyone else is feeling like they’re living a life not meant for them. Don’t be afraid to be yourself! It’s the bravest thing you can do.

The main points to take from the parliament debate regarding dogs are -
To stop puppies from being smuggled into the UK, to stop the importing of heavily pregnant dogs and dogs which have had their ears cropped. They are looking for ways to stop online shops from selling tools used for ear cropping.
They are considering creating a register for all dog breeders to be on, licensed and unlicensed but agree that it would be near impossible to record every breeder and feel that they don’t need to regulate ‘hobby breeders’ as heavily as ‘commercial breeders’.
They want to address the issue of ‘Puppy Yoga classes’
There was a rise from 37 animal fertility centres in 2020 to over 400 today. They are unregulated clinics. They want to bring in licensing for these clinics and they want to investigate where the welfare issues and risks are and how to stop them.
They want to educate and improve the publics awareness on how to safely choose and buy a puppy from responsible breeders and how to look after them. Basically how to be a responsible dog owner and to not to line the pockets of puppy farmers.
They want to increase prosecutions on breeders that concentrate on extreme features for designer dogs that will lead to a poor quality of life and health problems. Those with a license will have it revoked. They want organisations such as the kennel club to create a set of clear definitions to encourage breeding out extreme aesthetics that can lead to health related problems. Such as bad cases in brachycephalic dogs.
They will not be looking to increase the number of dog wardens to keep dogs and the public safe. They think there are enough of them already.
As the XL Bully ban comes in they don’t want other dog breeds to be misidentified as XL Bully’s. They believe that the description is detailed enough and that there is a low chance of an error being made.
They are considering extending the deadline for xl bully dogs under the age of 7 months on the 31st January to be neutered at a later date. The new deadline would be the 30th June 2025 to reduce the risk of health problems from neutering too early.
As part of the description of xl bullys, if a dog does not meet the minimum height it will not be classed as an xl bully, even if it holds all the other characteristics. This is due to the fact that you have other bully types such as pocket bully dogs. ‘The trained legislation officers will know what to look for’. ‘Most people out there know what an xl bully is’. You can see adverts for dogs for sale that show the parents, grandparents and extended beyond.
If a person happens to take in a puppy that may potentially be an xl bully but they don’t know for sure (for example adopting a puppy from a rescue) then they must still get an exemption certificate, wait till they are 18 months old, and then if the dog does not match the description, they can de-register if the dog legislation officers agree.
The Vets association will not be helping to identify xl bullies as they refuse too.
Xl bullys that are brought into England from Scotland must comply with the rules, however an xl bully from England taken into Scotland will have no constraints. If someone with one of these dogs wants to travel from Scotland to England for a holiday for example, the dogs must be left in Scotland at dog kennels.
Conclusion - The xl bully ban is still happening. There is no other better alternative. It has being proven to work as with the other dog breeds that had being banned in 1991. The rise in attacks corresponds with the increase in number of xl bully types and the overall population increase in dogs in general.

The UK boasts a vibrant LGBTQ+ community and dating scene. For gay singles seeking a meaningful connection, online dating opens up a world of possibilities. This article provides an in-depth look at some of the top websites catering specifically to gay men in the UK. From niche interest sites to all-encompassing platforms, there are many options to choose from.
Grindr
Grindr remains the most popular geosocial networking app for gay, bi, trans, and queer people since its launch in 2009. With millions of users worldwide, including a significant UK userbase, it has become synonymous with gay dating. Grindr's signature function allows users to locate other members within a specified distance for effortless connecting. While criticized by some for its "hookup" reputation, Grindr also facilitates long-term relationships. The free basic platform provides browsing and messaging, with additional features available through premium subscriptions. Grindr XTRA unlocks extended filters and unlimited messaging, while Grindr Unlimited removes all ads.
Planet Romeo
As an alternative to Grindr, Planet Romeo takes a less explicitly sexualized approach to gay online dating. Launched in 2001, it was one of the earliest gay social networks and remains popular in the UK. Planet Romeo focuses more on relationships than hookups, with an emphasis on user profiles, compatibility matching, and online communities. Features include private chat, video calls, and the option to participate in forums. While the registration process is free, additional premium options like extended search filters and profile boosting require monthly subscriptions. Reviews praise Planet Romeo for its more thoughtful take on gay dating compared to hookup-centric apps.
Manhunt
Manhunt sits somewhere between Grindr and Planet Romeo in terms of focus. Launched in 2001, it pioneered a geo-location-based model for connecting gay men that influenced Grindr's approach. Manhunt allows browsing and contacting others online or via its mobile apps. Reviews commend the customizable profile system supporting multiple photos and personalization with taglines, descriptions, and interests. However, some criticize certain optional features like live cams and chatrooms as promoting an overly sexual culture at times. Basic functions are free, with different premium subscription tiers unlocking filters, chatrooms, and video capabilities.
Gindr
As a more niche alternative dedicated to LGBT outdoors and adventure enthusiasts, Gindr seeks to bring together active gay men who enjoy hiking, cycling, camping and more. Available globally via mobile apps, the free platform allows members to find local outdoor events and like-minded companions for activities. Profiles showcase interests, photos from past adventures, and upcoming plans. Basic messaging is complimentary, with premium subscriptions adding features like live location-sharing, event discovery tools, and private albums. While the smaller user base limits matching potential, reviews appreciate Gindr's focus on connecting over shared active hobbies rather than hookups.
Badoo
As one of the largest global social networking services, Badoo casts a wide net with over 438 million users worldwide. While not exclusively gay-oriented, it has a significant LGBTQ+ representation and is adept at gay dating. Badoo helps members meet new people based on shared interests and allows easy profile customization. Messaging and browsing profiles is complimentary, with optional paid features boosting visibility and extending chat limits. Badoo operates on the freemium model quite successfully by providing value even to non-paying users. Its broad appeal draws in a large and diverse pool of potential matches.
Squirt.org
Squirt.org focuses specifically on gay and bisexual men seeking casual encounters or friends with benefits arrangements. Available globally via website and mobile apps, it prioritizes anonymity with optional verification. Basic profiles showcase interests, stats, and photos, with private messaging and additional filters requiring subscription upgrades. Though primarily geared toward hookups and discreet liaisons, some users report finding longer-term partners as well. While the platform operates with a more sexually liberated philosophy than others, reviews acknowledge it effectively serves that niche without excessive moderation. Member location tools allow quick real-time connecting.
Gindr for Gaming
Launched in 2020, Gindr for Gaming aims to connect LGBTQ+ gamers seeking companions to play favorite titles together or just socialize in virtual worlds. The site profiles games and platforms most popular with its community, provides news and reviews, and hosts forums centered on gaming culture. Members create profiles showcasing their in-game stats, main titles, and platforms to find other players with shared interests. Basic messaging and searching are free, with premium options adding perks like profile highlights and event invites. Though still growing its membership, the specialized dating concept appeals to niche interests within the gay community.
Qruiser
As one of the earliest online platforms for gay and bi men dating back to 1998, Qruiser continues innovating to remain current. Available globally via mobile apps and desktop, it caters especially well to UK users. Qruiser allows free basic profiles, private messaging, and browsing of local members. Paid memberships give access to enhanced functionality like extended search filters, chatrooms, and profile boosting. Reviews praise Qruiser for maintaining a sensible balance of serious dating over explicitly sexual content compared to hookup apps. Additional highlights are robust verification tools to ensure authentic profiles and the option to participate in LGBTQ+ advocacy via the platform.
SilverDaddies
Not exclusively a dating site but well-known within the gay community, SilverDaddies brings together mature men across generations. The site focuses especially on connections between older, often financially secure men paired with younger admirers though all are welcome. Profiles ask for members' ages, physical stats, interests and availability type whether for dating or something more casual. SilverDaddies also provides community forums to discuss topics of interest. Basic sign up, browsing and messaging are free, with premium options adding advanced search filters and increased privacy features.
Gaydar
As one of the UK's longest running and most established gay dating sites dating back to 1999, Gaydar remains a dominant presence. Available internationally via website and app, it has innovated consistently over two decades to serve users across generations. Standout features include detailed profiles highlighting interests, physical stats and updated statuses for real-time chatting. Additionally, robust search tools enable advanced filtering across various criteria to find the perfect match. Basic membership allows profiles and messaging, while paying upgrades unlock premium enhancements. Reviews praise Gaydar's loyal multi-generational user base and continued relevance in the digital era.
OkCupid
While not exclusive to gay dating, OkCupid has evolved into a popular option for LGBTQ+ singles since launching in 2004. Available globally via desktop and app, it distinguishes itself through in-depth and nuanced profile questions covering political views, lifestyle habits and more. Answers are used to calculate member compatibility scores with messages prioritized from high-match connections. Profiles show stats, photos and the always revealing "What I'm doing with my life" section. Messaging and searching are complimentary, with optional subscriptions mainly boosting visibility. OkCupid draws praise for inclusiveness alongside thoughtful matching algorithms.
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For many years, scientists have been attempting to study whether there is a genetic link to sexual orientation. While research is still ongoing, several key findings have provided evidence that genetics may play a role in a person identifying as homosexual or bisexual. Understanding the potential influence of genetics and biology is an important part of the ongoing discussion around sexual orientation.
Twin Studies Provide Initial Evidence
Some of the earliest evidence suggesting a genetic component came from twin studies conducted in the 1990s. Researchers compared identical twins, who share 100% of their genes, to fraternal twins, who share about 50% of their genes on average. For identical twins, if one twin identified as gay, there was a significantly higher likelihood the co-twin would also be gay compared to fraternal twins.
In one 1993 study published in the Journal of Biosocial Science, researchers surveyed seventy-five pairs of identical twins and fifty-seven pairs of fraternal twins. Among the identical twins, 52% of the co-twins of gay men were also gay, compared to only 22% for fraternal twins. This significant difference suggested shared genes may play some role. Subsequent twin studies found similar patterns.
While twin studies could not pinpoint exactly which genes are involved, they provided the first convincing evidence that same-sex attraction does have a biological component for some individuals. Environmental factors like parenting styles could also influence identical twins more similarly, so genes were likely not the only influence. Still, the higher concordance rates among identical twins supported a biological predisposition.
Further Genetic Linkage Studies Identify Potential Regions
Moving beyond twin studies, researchers began conducting genome-wide linkage scans in the 1990s and 2000s to try and locate specific gene regions on chromosomes that may correlate with sexual orientation. In 1993, a study of forty-six gay sibling pairs identified a region on the X chromosome that reached significance for genetic linkage.
A later 2005 study from the National Cancer Institute analyzed data from the U.S. National Longitudinal Lesbian Family Study. Researchers compared DNA from 78 lesbian and bisexual female cousin pairs, identifying two areas on chromosomes 7 and 8 with significant linkage.
While no single “gay gene” was identified from these early linkage studies, they highlighted potential chromosome regions warranting further investigation. The X chromosome findings also supported a biological component given its role in sex determination. However, none achieved the rigorous statistical threshold considered a definitive discovery in terms of genetic linkage.
Epigenetic Factors May Also Be Involved
More recent evidence has emerged pointing to possible epigenetic factors involving gene regulation without alterations to the underlying DNA sequence. In one 2017 study published in Scientific Reports, researchers compared DNA methylation patterns in umbilical cord blood samples from newborns who later identified as gay or heterosexual as adults.
They identified five epigenetic markers on genes related to sex hormone pathways and nervous system development that were more prevalent among the gay men. This suggested in-utero environmental conditions could potentially alter gene expression related to sexual orientation through epigenetic modifications to DNA rather than genetic mutations.
Overall, while scientists have not pinpointed exactly how genetics and epigenetics interact with environmental and prenatal factors to influence sexual orientation, research increasingly supports some biological predisposition may be involved - at least for some portion of homosexual and bisexual individuals. Understanding this could have important implications in addressing social stigma.
Genes Identified through Genome-Wide Association Studies
More recent genome-wide association studies using large cohorts have identified specific genetic variants associated with sexual orientation. In 2019, researchers analyzed survey and genetic data from over 470,000 participants in the UK Biobank dataset. They identified five genetic variants across four locations that were significantly associated with same-sex sexual behavior in both men and women.
One of the gene regions corresponded to the X chromosome location identified in early linkage studies. The others were in areas nearby genes involved in smell perception and sex hormone signaling pathways - two areas relevant to sexual behavior and partner selection. Effect sizes for any single variant were small, consistent with a complex trait influenced by multiple genetic and environmental factors. However, this was the largest genetic link to sexual orientation reported to date.
In 2020, researchers analyzed data from over 425,000 individuals in the 23andMe database and similarly identified five genetic variants correlated with same-sex behavior. Surprisingly, two of the variants were the same as the UK Biobank study even though the samples did not overlap - providing strong validation of these specific genetic links.
Functionally, two of the risk variants were located near genes involved in controlling neural connectivity and axon guidance during development. This supported theories that atypical prenatal hormonal exposures or brain organization could predispose some individuals to non-heterosexual orientations. Overall, these large GWAS studies provide some of the strongest and most direct evidence genetics play a role for a subset of lesbian, gay and bisexual people.
However, it's important to note that no single gene or variant fully determines sexual orientation. Most variants have only a small effect, and no genetic testing can currently predict an individual's ultimate sexual identity. Both genetics and environment during development clearly interact in complex ways to influence these traits. Cultural and social factors also profoundly shape a person's understanding of their gender identity and sexual interests.
Future Directions in Sexual Orientation Genetics Research
As genetic samples and genomic data continue to grow, future studies may help uncover additional variants correlated with sexual orientation. Larger samples will also facilitate identifying differences in genetic risk profiles across gender identities. Comparing genetic data to brain imaging could explore potential anatomical correlations as well. Experimental studies manipulating hormone levels in animal models may also provide useful biological insights, though direct parallels to humans are limited.
Overall, while much remains unknown, clear evidence exists indicating genetics play a role in sexuality for some individuals. Understanding this biological influence, as well as recognizing the profound complexity behind human sexuality and gender, can help combat harmful stigmas and social biases. Appreciating the interweaving of nature and nurture promoting diversity in these traits remains an important goal as we aim to build inclusive societies valuing self-determination and freedom of expression. Continued open-minded research exploring all influencing factors can foster greater compassion and acceptance of our shared, yet varied, human experiences.
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